Love,

Crystal

For whatever reason, at some point during the weekend while

per_solo

I think it's because for a long time I haven't had any vent for those feelings or I've tried to hold them back because I didn't figure anyone gave a damn anyway, but I realized just how many of the people around me at the time were COMPLETE jackasses.  Some of them came back later and apologized, but I think some of them STILL like to dump blame on me for their feelings and their hurts around that time.  People were selfish and stupid, and I don't fucking understand it.

The funny thing is... it was nice to be able to feel that way.  Most of those people I'm not around anymore and so I don't havea chance to have any kind of real conversation about it, which I'm really not lamenting.  I don't WANT to talk to them about the whole thing.  It just pisses me off that there were people around that time who wanted to kick me when I was down and got mad because I didn't let them.  It makes me mad the people who WEREN'T there for me at the time.  It makes me mad that my brother came to the funeral and the didn't bother to call and check up on me, and then decided later when HE had a kid that I ought to drop everything and pretend like we could be a big happy family (despite the fact that he showed little interest in family until he had one of his own.)  It pisses me off that people couldn't find it in themselves to be more sensitive. It pisses me off that on my son's birthday people at church sat at a table far away from me and laughed and talked loudly about being pregnant and having kids and never thought to come over and ask how I was doing.  It pisses me off that it's only been four years, and it's supposed to be "no big deal" to me now, somehow.  It pisses me off that I've had people who are married, who have the support of their families, who have lost children, look at me and go "I don't know what your big deal is" when I had NO ONE.

Or it did... anyway.  It pissed me off for a little while.  And I lay in bed at that point and let myself feel those things, be angry with those people, stop feeling guilty for it and stop blaming myself for their failings... and in some cases, stop accepting their blame for them. 

And I feel better.

They say you shouldn't dig up old graves, because things start stinking.  But I think that sometimes when things aren't put to rest properly, that needs to be fixed. *shrugs*  No matter how ugly the remains might be.  At least once it's done right it's done.*

Love,
Crystal

*That's not to say that I'm over it, or that I won't still feel some anger toward some people.  It just means that it's put to rest properly, and that it's not poking out of the ground causing problems.

This is why I tend to avoid the Indystar.com talkback section... folks will say all kinds of ridiculously stupid and ignorant things when they don't have to admit they were the ones who said it.

Take, for example:

"Gays are not sexual deviants?  Then explain to me why they cannot reproduce?"

...dude, seriously?  Inability to reproduce makes you a "sexual deviant"?  Well, then I guess you'd better add sexual deviancy to my list of "sins" (not that it wasn't already there I'm sure, at least for some folks).  And while you're at it, absolutely every man and woman in the world who has fertility issues.

Oh, and Sarah. You know, Abraham's wife?  I mean sure, she had a baby when she was 90... so, I guess for 90 years, she was a sexual deviant too.

What?  I'm sorry?  I'm Pagan so what do I know?

What do I know indeed.  I know YOUR Bible, apparently.  Better than you do.  Hm, in't that interesting.

Love,
Crystal
 

And Tyra Banks is shocked.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27706917/

Really?  I mean, REALLY?   She's SHOCKED?  I'm sorry, are YOU shocked?  Because if so, you really need to wake up.  I know I was having sex at fourteen, and although I spent a lot of years feeling very ASHAMED of that, I've sinced learned that I was actually a pretty normal kid.

Are you surprised?  I was having sex at fourteen and I WAS NORMAL.

Breathe that in for a minute.  You don't have to like it, and you can worry that kids are too young to be doing it.  And you know what?  There's a degree to which you're very right.  With the way that we raise kids, with the way that we try to put them in a bubble, with the things we convince ourselves we're shielding them from... you're right.  Socially, they are WAY too young.  Physically?  Biologically?  Hormonally? 

Not a bit.

I'm not advocating going out and telling kids they should be having sex, but I am advocating a fucking wake-up call.  You think your kids aren't having sex.  Why?  Because you weren't?  Wait... you WERE?  Then where the fuck is your brain, sunshine?  Do you FORGET what it was like to be that age?  I'm not talking about peer pressure.  I'm talking about real, HEALTHY, physical and emotional drives.  I'm talking about the way that we're built. 

Get it through your tough nut, cookie... your kids are doing it.  And worse, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.  Because you want to live in a fantasy world and pretend they aren't.

When I say "talk to your kids about sex", I mean "Say something MORE than 'don't do it.'"  Teach them about safe sex.  Teach them about romance.  Teach them about self-esteem, and DON'T teach them that there's something WRONG with them if they want to have sex.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Don't YOU want to have sex?  I know I do.  And there's not a damned thing wrong with ME.  ...Well, not for that, anyway. ;)  Teach them that they don't HAVE to be doing it, but if they WANT to do it... there are ways to do it without contracting a disease or getting pregnant. Teach them why sixteen isn't a good age to GET pregnant.  And if you find out that they want to get pregnant so that there will always be someone there who loves them?  Don't just explain to them why that isn't a good reason to have a baby... work with them to find out why they feel they NEED someone to love them, and and to find other, healthy ways to feel the love they're lacking.

I guarantee you, you'll prevent more teen pregnancies and STD's that way.

Fourteen-year-old girls are having sex.  The problem is, fourteen-year-old girls don't feel comfortable walking into a drug store and buying condoms.

Love,

Crystal

I'm sick of busting my ass on entries only to have them not get any votes because I didn't go to every other contestant and pimp my username.

I'm sick of being told that I'm not a good writer because I had the audacity to re-use a piece that I had written previously but applied to the topic at hand.  The mark of a good writer is NOT being able to pull something out of your ass at a moment's notice, the mark of a good writer is GOOD WRITING.  It's the ability to pull a piece out of your heart, put it on paper, and then be willing to wrip it apart and put it back together again in a way that communicates to and moves your audience.  I've taken SEVERAL creative writing classes and not ONE of them demanded that every assignment be one that you "pulled out of your ass".  Revising is writing. 

I don't do popularity contests.  I don't get any enjoyment out of listening to people bitch because your friends vote for you even though they didn't have a chance to read all of the... how many hundred entries? 

I'm over it.  I DON'T have time to read over a hundred entries and try to figure out who I should vote for.  I DO vote for people I like personally.  I DO vote for people on my friend's list whether I have a chance to read their entries or not.  And I don't buy the line that there are more than a few people out there who have the time to do anything else.

It's a nice idea on paper, but all LJ Idol seems to inspire from me lately is ranting and depression.  And I think it's time I opted out.

Love,
Crystal

mycybertuffet

Anti-Gay, Anti-Family

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