THAT'S IT, YOU'RE ALL GROUNDED.
Nov. 20th, 2008 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crysthewolfMy Mom's been driving me crazy, Dad gets all in a tizzy over Wil because he believes him and Toni when they say act like every disagreement between me and them is my fault and that if I'd just keep my mouth shut everything'd be fine. I don't understand why so many people in my world seem to get so well that, regardless of whether what they say is MEANT to be hurtful to me, "I'm talking and that's causing her pain, perhaps I should stop talking and stop causing her pain." Or that when you blame me for other people being mean to me, it sends me into a whirlwind of hurt and darkness that I just don't have control over yet (yes, I will, but it takes time, so back off a minute.) ...and other people, don't have a fucking clue.
Since my family, whether well-meaning or not, don't quite seem to get that, you're all put on notice... you are GROUNDED until after the holidays. Spend time with each other, have fun in a Crys-free world for a little while, because I need to hole up and be away from you all.
Brian and Jennifer and the boys are NOT grounded, you are MORE THAN WELCOME TO CONTACT ME TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT! (give the boys my cell number if they want it.) Let me repeat, BRIAN AND JENNIFER AND JAKEB AND JUSTIN, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME, ALWAYS. Cory and Zoey are also NOT grounded, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME.
The rest of you are on notice until either the holiday season passes or I feel like I can deal with you again.
Dad, feel free to visit my message board and I'm going to leave it's moderation in Harley's capable hands for the time being. I'll be back later. If I don't respond to your emails it's because I'm filtering them to a special folder to check up on later. If there's an emergency have Brian and Jennifer call me.
Yes, that's right, I'm taking a vacation from all of you. Sorry, I need a time out. Sorry it's during the holidays but, y'know, that may very well be better for everyone.
Since my family, whether well-meaning or not, don't quite seem to get that, you're all put on notice... you are GROUNDED until after the holidays. Spend time with each other, have fun in a Crys-free world for a little while, because I need to hole up and be away from you all.
Brian and Jennifer and the boys are NOT grounded, you are MORE THAN WELCOME TO CONTACT ME TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT! (give the boys my cell number if they want it.) Let me repeat, BRIAN AND JENNIFER AND JAKEB AND JUSTIN, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME, ALWAYS. Cory and Zoey are also NOT grounded, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME.
The rest of you are on notice until either the holiday season passes or I feel like I can deal with you again.
Dad, feel free to visit my message board and I'm going to leave it's moderation in Harley's capable hands for the time being. I'll be back later. If I don't respond to your emails it's because I'm filtering them to a special folder to check up on later. If there's an emergency have Brian and Jennifer call me.
Yes, that's right, I'm taking a vacation from all of you. Sorry, I need a time out. Sorry it's during the holidays but, y'know, that may very well be better for everyone.
Love,
Crystal
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 10:42 am (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 01:11 pm (UTC)I don't feel proud, I feel horrible. And you're preaching to the choir.
I do not think you're worthless and a horrible person. I just got angry at you. I love you, whether you like it or not. We're blood. You're my sister. I said things to you I very deeply regret. I wish I could go back in time and /un/say them, but I can't. Our family didn't decide between us. The fact is, I'm willing to just let it go and start over. I know you don't see it this way, but you really hurt me too. I know that you wholeheartedly believe that you are the victim, and those words from me are empty, but there they are. You /do/ have a chance to be close to your family again. Please don't let it slip away.
Your family loves you. I love you. Love doesn't have to be reciprocated to be real. I can be in the same room with you for the sake of our family. I don't want to talk to you either, but we don't /have/ to talk to each other. Not for you to enjoy the company of Dad and Brian.
I don't want to "win". I want you to be happy. I wish there is something I could do, but I don't think there is. If I try, it just makes things ten times worse, but contrary to popular belief, I bear you no ill will.
Will
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 01:34 pm (UTC)Wake up and smell the contradiction, you're supposed to be smart.
THAT ISN'T LOVE.
AND FAMILY ISN'T WORTH SUBMITTING TO THE ABUSE YOU DISH OUT AT ME. OR LISTENING TO DAD BLAME ME FOR IT.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 01:51 pm (UTC)Tell me. I'd really love to know what the fuck I did wrong after you went fucking bat-shit crazy because I had the AUDACITY to talk about my beliefs after you unabashedly shared yours.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 01:54 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 02:36 pm (UTC)I agree that time away is probably best. Anyway, the holidays should be a time of joy and happiness, not family squabbles and abuse.
Doing anything Dec. 20th yet?
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 03:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:18 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:25 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:27 pm (UTC)However, do me a favor and keep a record of if he DOES try to follow you to your LJ and if possible print it out or send it to me somehow.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:33 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:33 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:35 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 03:39 pm (UTC)I may be helping a couple of friends move, but that'd probably be early in the day. Why do you ask?
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:26 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:28 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:34 pm (UTC)Call or email or whathave you AJ if you want any further details about what our plans are : )
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 05:54 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 05:56 pm (UTC)And duly noted. We'll do our best to be there. :)
So bloody sick of that subject line
Date: 2008-11-21 06:13 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 03:45 pm (UTC)Yes, I emailed you a lot of nasty stuff, out of anger, which I regret. I was wrong.
You hurt me because YOU dragged my son into this. He's completely innocent. It's not his fault he was born and his cousin wasn't. All he knows is that the pretty lady with the nice singing voice hates him for some reason.
You hurt me because you take everything I say, and everything I feel, and you twist it until it fits into your worldview of me hating you.
You hurt me because I've tried repeatedly over the years, WITH you, to bring our family together, and you pretend that it never happened.
You hurt me because I've done things for you, selflessly, that you have chosen to completely forget about.
You hurt me because you would rather put on an emo show to draw pity from all your friends than actually try to make amends with anybody.
You hurt me because you feel that I didn't CARE when your son died. Because I didn't call you afterwards. Maybe I didn't know what to say, maybe I had been out of your life for a while, and I didn't even KNOW you.
You hurt me because you write off all the hard work I've done to pull myself up out of the trailer park and just say I was "lucky" and not deserving of it.
You hurt me because everything is about you. You exist in some strange "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" built by Henry Selick and John Waters where everybody and everything exists only to praise or punish you.
You hurt me because even with all your talk of tolerance and judgement, the only person's feelings you ever really think about are your own, and those of anybody who agrees with everything you ever say.
You hurt me because you twist my words and my thoughts and unfairly make me out to be your arch-enemy so that you look more victimized in your little world here.
You hurt me because you've decided to project all your self-hatred onto me, and you've decided that our family is either yours or mine, and you've tried to make it yours and take it away from me. I'm the only one here willing to share.
You hurt me because THIS all started because I posted about Christmas, and I thought a little bit about trying to pitch together to buy you an acoustic with a pickup to make you feel better. And Dad saw that, and decided to ask if I was over it and would I mind that you were there on Thanksgiving. And I said sure and then he asked you and you went BATSHIT CRAZY.
And that's all I have to say about it, because it's a waste of breath besides at least TRYING since it's almost CHRISTmas.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:10 pm (UTC)I love how you remember things your own damned way. You know, it's funny that OUR oldest brother who YOU'RE trying to drag into this? Doesn't seem to remember it quite the same way. Because he and I were both there, and we both saw HIM joking around about how the world was ending because there was an earthquake in Indiana, and ME joking around BACK to him about how we live on a fault line...
AND YOU, USING that as an excuse to tell me what a useless little bitch I am because I don't believe in your abusive sky-daddy.
"You hurt me because I've tried repeatedly over the years, WITH you, to bring our family together, and you pretend that it never happened."
REALLY? is THAT what you call not calling me or writing me for seven years?
"You hurt me because you feel that I didn't CARE when your son died. Because I didn't call you afterwards. Maybe I didn't know what to say, maybe I had been out of your life for a while, and I didn't even KNOW you."
Yes. because you never bothered to try to GET to know me. Funny how you had all the same chances that Brian and Jennifer had to GET to know me, but that THEY were the ones who actually DID it. THEY were the ones who called to check up on me and THEY were the ones, who DIDN'T judge me when I went into hiding for a while to heal. They understand, and you don't, but they didn't have any more chances than you did, Will.
"You hurt me because YOU dragged my son into this."
Oh I love your selective memory. YOU dragged BOTH of our sons into this, you son of a bitch. YOU are the one who came to ME talking about what a WORTHLESS BITCH I was because I didn't come to see my nephew when YOU thought that I should, and YOU were the one who told ME that you didn't understand why I couldn't just be happy for everyone and pretend like nothing was wrong, and that if YOU lost a kid, you'd want everyone to just keep living their lives and ignore you.
"You hurt me because you take everything I say, and everything I feel, and you twist it until it fits into your worldview of me hating you. "
I don't have to twist it.
"Yes, I emailed you a lot of nasty stuff, out of anger, which I regret. I was wrong."
You know, my mother used to say "I don't want to hear you're sorry. I want you not to do it again." You can say you were wrong all you want, but you keep doing it, don't you?
You're hypocritical, judgmental, and there hasn't been a single response you've had to me where you haven't contradicted yourself. Dad wants to say that "this" is both of our faults, and he's wrong. I'm perfectly willing to take responsibility for my actions and I'm not perfect, but he's wrong this time. THIS, is YOUR fault. YOU started this shit. YOU went crazy because I wasn't a Christian anymore and you wanetd to justify your beliefs. YOU judged me and the people I love.
YOU, aren't family. YOU can rot in your own hell.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:16 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:19 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:21 pm (UTC)Okeedokee, stay the fuck away from me before I have to go and get a restraining order.
Oh, and okeedokee, my nephew, will ALWAYS be welcome in my home, and wherever I am. YOU are the one who said he doesn't want to be around me.
I don't have any resptect for someone who uses his kid as a weapon.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-21 04:30 pm (UTC)I don't have a problem with Christianity. Some of my closest friends are Christians. I have a problem with hypocritical assholes of any religion, but it's not what keeps me from being paritcularly religious.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 04:17 pm (UTC)Please, don't. I don't want one more thing for you to try and hold over my head later when I don't want to take your abuse. Nothing is worth that. NOTHING.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 10:04 pm (UTC)Happy YULE.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 07:00 pm (UTC)Crys, never forget what someone says to you when he's angry. Sometimes it's the only way you'll get the truth. I firmly believe that people don't say things they don't mean. Just things they wish they hadn't said. There is a difference.
The fact is, I'm willing to just let it go and start over. I know you don't see it this way, but you really hurt me too. I know that you wholeheartedly believe that you are the victim, and those words from me are empty, but there they are. You /do/ have a chance to be close to your family again. Please don't let it slip away.
Victim blaming. This is right up there with, "Baby, why do you make me hit you? You know how I get when you upset me. If you promise not to hurt my feelings again, I'll take you back and we can put all this behind us." It is the same damned principle.
I know that he's been banned from this LJ and won't be able to respond (or possibly even read) this comment. But you deserve to see it.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 07:14 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 07:27 pm (UTC)I don't care what she said to "provoke" him or how angry he was at the time. Everything he said is still his responsibility in the end, and it's not his place to demand that everybody move past it. That's for her to say or no one. Just pissed me off. *wanders off muttering angrily*
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 07:38 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 08:14 pm (UTC)My first step-father was an abusive asshole. When I became an adult (and thus had control over my own life, to a greater degree anyway), I vowed that I'd never be under the tyranny of another abuser... that I'd never be "stuck" in that kind of relationship again.
It's taken me a long time sometimes to realize that I was IN that kind of relationship (and that there was no fixing it, AND that it wasn't my FAULT), but I've always gotten myself out of them.
The thing that tends to make me crazy is that people don't believe me... I mean other people, who might be involved in that abusers life. But later on, the abuser almost always ends up doing something that makes them realize I was right... he was an abusive asshole and I wasn't being dramatic.
My Dad's being used by Will to try and make Will feel better about himself and look better to his family... and, in the end, to get a few more kicks in at the family punching bag. Apparently (and I have no way of knowing if this is true) Wil was talking about buying me a guitar for Christmas and that was why Dad asked me if I could stand to be in the same room with him. Now Wil's trying to guilt trip me because "I was going to buy you a guitar! I was going to do something NICE for you!" I have no doubt I'd hear the same thing from my Dad.
And that, I believe, is on purpose. Whether he planned to actually do it or not (and he probably did because he can afford to... I love it when people manipulate with their money), he DEFINITELY planned to hold a guitar over my head and use it to say to anyone who might be watching, "See? See how much I love my sister? See how little she appreciates me?" And so if he DOESN'T end up doing it, he'll just hold the INTENT over my head and do the same thing.
And use that to get to Dad, which makes Dad frustrated at me.
Dad once said Will was a genius. He's right. And no one can manipulate a situation like this quite like a genius can.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-22 12:15 am (UTC)Might be why he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong. He doesn't think he's being unconscionably manipulative and callous. He probably thinks he's communicating effectively because he's excelling at the only communication he ever had reason to learn.
Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-21 08:08 pm (UTC)Re: hope you're proud.
Date: 2008-11-22 04:29 am (UTC)What I remember even more vividly, though, is how she broke down crying right there in the middle of the theater.
Now, I read your recent blog entry about how you've worked so hard and you've been so responsible only for liberals to feed off you. They just don't want to take responsibility for themselves, right? They want to say everything was done TO them by someone else.
But from what I remember, that sobbing wreck in the theater was a direct result of your words. You did that, Wil. You and no one else. And that wasn't love, that was hate. Tell yourself it was love all you want, but everyone else can see it for what it is. You're way too self-righteous for your own good.
You need to do some soul-searching and really admit, at least to yourself, what you really feel. Because right now you're too much of a hypocrite.