crysthewolf

I learned something about myself this weekend.

I learned, that I'm not really that jealous a person.  I had thought I was, but when I got to thinking about it, I realized that I feel pretty secure about myself and my relationship with Chris.  I trust him.  I don't worry about him cheating on me, lying to me, or breaking my trust.  *shrugs*  I don't worry about some other woman "winning" him.  Grown up relationships don't work that way.

What DOES bother me, tho, is when I feel disrespected by another woman.

Chris has a lot of FANTASTIC women in his orbit, and so this happens very, VERY rarely.  99% of the women in Chris's life love him and want to see him happy.  But I realized, this weekend, that I'm dating a very kind, polite man... and sometimes, that means that he's going to be nice to idiots.

I realized that I'm fine with the majority of the women I know flirting with my boyfriend (well, hell, at least half of them flirt with ME too.  Usually at the same TIME. ;) )  I'm fine with that because I KNOW them.  I KNOW they respect me, my relationship, and most of all, Chris.  

The thing is, I know that my boyfriend has slept with other women.  That really doesn't bother me... I mean, welcome to the real world, right?  But I suppose what I don't like is when a woman who's JUST met me, who doesn't even know whether my boyfriend has TOLD me they've been together like that, has NO idea what our relationship is like or how secure I am or am not... decides to start talking to ME about how SHE'S slept with my boyfriend.  

I mean, excuse me?  Is there something miswired in your head?

I don't think of myself as insecure.  Hell, I rendered a friend of mine speachless this weekend with my level of comfort with HER past relationship with Chris. ;)  But, again, I don't like being disrespected.  And I feel like, when a woman who's had a relationship with my boyfriend BEFORE, feels the need to shove that in my face without even knowing me?  I'm being disrespected.

Doubly so when she decides to hang off of him when I'm not in the room.

I don't like that shit.  I don't feel threatened, I don't feel distrusting of Chris, I don't worry that he's going to "accidentally" have sex with someone else.  I don't get concerned that someone is going to seduce him somehow (I'm sorry, but I don't buy into the bullshit of "Men don't have self-control."  I'm not an idiot.)  What I get, is pissed off.  

Because it's not just disrespecting ME.  To me, you can't call yourself someone's FRIEND... and then do shit to fuck with the relationship that he's in.  THAT is what gets to me.

So, I learned this about myself this weekend.  Every woman in Chris's life that I know moderately well, I trust implicitly.  I might not know a whole lot about them, nor they me, but I know that they care about Chris and want him to be happy, and that makes me happy.  And I trust Chris implicitly as well.  I am not, as I previously thought, the crazy jealous girlfriend.

But I'm a bit protective.  And there are a couple of women in his orbit that, because of that, I kinda wanna punch a little bit right now.

Love,
Crystal

So, I have this crazy aunt.

...right, everyone has one of those, don't they?  Well, I have proof.  No, she's not officially "certified" or anything.  My proof is that her only daughter has a restraining order out against her.

Maybe you wouldn't consider that proof.  Try this: her only daughter has a restraining order out against her because she a) stole from her daughter and b) tried to convince her daughter that she slept with her daughter's husband.  

The sad thing is, this isn't unusual behavior for my aunt.

Most of us have one or two crazy family members out there.  I have several.  My Mother, my Aunt... just to name two.  I've spent 26 years around the both of them, and they are two of the most manipulative people you have ever met in your life.

They're also ill.

My aunt's trick is to get you to feel sorry for her.  Some of the stories she'll tell you are true, some are blatant falsehoods, but ALL of them are designed to inspire your pity.  Why?  Because she's ill, because she had a fucked up childhood, and because she possesses an incessant need to be taken care of.  Why?  Because nobody took care of her.

But now... no one really can.

I've NEVER met anyone as ill as my Aunt Sandy, but I've met people with a similar illness... which is actually kindof helpful.  When I was a kid, I merely hated my aunt Sandy.   I suffered too many of her outbursts and too much of her abuse to feel sorry for her... and every time she'd have one, she'd say or do something else to get me to pity her again.  She'd pull me back in, convince me that she needed my help... and then, after a while, when I wouldn't take care of her ('cause, um, I was TWELVE), she'd have another outburst.

I don't remember how old I was when I learned how to evade her grasp, but one day, I did.  To be honest, I probably have my Mother to thank for it.  One day she finally told Sandy to get out and never come back, and refused to succumb to Sandy's tears and shaking.  Was it an act?  ...No, I really DO believe that Sandy was desparate... but, unfortunately, so were we.  We couldn't help her.

In the end, because of the magnitude of her illness, I don't think anyone can really help Sandy.  I doubt that she's beyond helping herself... but I am equally doubtful that, after all these years, she'd make an attempt.

Sandy's a sad story.  Thankfully, she's the most extreme case that I've ever encountered... which is good.  It means that most people have hope. ;)

I don't hate people like Sandy.  I don't even hate SANDY... because I've learned, that if I hate Sandy, I'll become her.

Kinda like my Mom.

Yeah, unfortunately, my Mom hates Sandy... and beause of that, she's kinda become Sandy-lite.  Nobody will ever be nearly as bad off as Sandy, but my Mom's learned how to manipulate just as well.

It's a similar tactic... she doesn't attempt to solicit pity (because THAT would be Sandy-like)... instead, my Mother is the master of guilt trips.

Most of your mothers are capable of guilt trips.  Most of your mothers in LAW are capable of guilt trips.  Hell, YOU'VE probably sent someone on a guilt trip or two in your lifetime.

But if there's any lesson that my mother left me with that's useful... it's that guilt trips are unpleasant.  The OTHER lesson that my mother taught me that was useful, was that if you ignore something, it will go away.

This is not true of everything, of course.  If you ignore a toothache it will EVENTUALLY go away... but it'll become something a little bit worse. ;)  If you ignore cancer... YOU'LL go away, but it sure as hell won't.

But there's a basic principle in that idea that I find very valuable.  ...Starve something, and, eventually, it dies.  If you don't respond to certain kinds of manipulation, eventually, people will stop doing them.

So, I don't.

I learned that from Mom and Aunt Sandy.  I don't feel sorry for people easily.  I don't pity people who are hungry for pity.  It's not terribly easy to play me against someone.  I don't play games at all.  I'm straight-forward, and I'll let you know if I don't like you, and I generally like most people.  I don't have any use for holding a grudge on anyone else's behalf.  If I don't like someone, it's for my OWN reasons.  

And I'm a little bit difficult to manipulate.

That DOESN'T mean that it makes me angry when I notice someone trying.  For some of us (and I've done this before too), it's second nature.  It's like a basic form of language.

But, and you'll notice this about me... I don't respond to guilt trips.  Trying to give me a guilt trip about something is usually the QUICKEST way to get me not to do whatever it is you'd like me to do.  They don't make me ANGRY at all... like I said, sometimes it's just a habit.  I can, however, be quite the cold-hearted bitch about not doing things that someone's trying to guilt me into doing..  Trying to manipulate me into doing something is generally the second best way to ensure that I won't do it.

So I don't manipulate easy.  And I don't have to pity someone or "be on their side" to like them.  And just because I DON'T pity them, doesn't mean that I don't like them.

But I'm fiercely independant, I'm a stubborn bitch about making my own decisions, and I don't manipulate easily.  I've been manipulated by too many people in too many different ways in my life to not see right through it.  Granted, that doesn't mean that it's IMPOSSIBLE to manipulate me... and no, that's not a challenge.  Please don't take it up, because when people keep TRYING, I DO get irritable.  And no, it doesn't phase me at all when other people tell me that I'm being a cold-hearted bitch for not pitying someone I think is trying to manipulate me.  *shrug*  I figure if they want to believe that I'm a cold-hearted bitch... that's their perogative.  I have other friends.

But, generally, it doesn't make me angry when someone tries.  *shrugs*  Sometimes it's just a habit.

What I DO do easily, is like people.  It's not difficult at ALL to win my affection.  I don't play games, I don't play against people, and I like just about everyone (you have to be an asshole to me for me not to like you.)   It's very, very easy to win my friendship.  It pretty much entails being nice to me, and not disliking me. ;)

It IS INCREDIBLY difficult to win my TRUST... but don't take it personally if you don't have it.  Very, VERY few people do, and only one person can boast of having it COMPLETELY (most of the time. ;) ).

So, those are the things that my crazy Aunt and my crazy Mother have left me with.  I've been trained by the best.  I don't manipulate easily, but I do love easily.  I'm tough to jerk around but I'm friendly.  =)  And I'll always do my best not to break you... and I hope for the same.  But if you break me, I'll usually forgive, as long as I don't think that you're just going to turn around and do it again.

'Cause I don't take everything, but I will take strays. ;)  I live smart, like easy, and love well.

Love,
Crystal

I'm Pagan.

I don't know quite when that happened, just that it happened.  At some point a while ago, I left behind Christianity and declared myself "AgnoPagan".  At some point I flitted through "Christopaganostic".  Now, it's just Pagan.

But what the hell does that mean?

For me, I suppose, it means that I don't have "faith", per-sey.  I HAVE faith in things in as much as anyone ever does... but it's faith with a solid evidence.  It's a faith in things that I can observe, things that I can see, things that I can make happen.  Have I seen prayers "work", as it were?  Sure, but I couldn't tell you WHY.  I've never seen a god or goddess.  I've seen people say things and do things and cause other things to happen.  I've seen other people pray and make themselves simply feel better.  

And I kinda wonder.. how much else really matters?

Rituals and spells FEEL as powerful to me as worship and prayer used to... and no one's asking me to give up my thoughts and my feelings and all of my decisions to them.  That's why I prefer this path.  Anyone who has judgments for that ought to take a look in the mirror at their own motives and leave mine alone, because at least I'm honest with myself.

At some point, I left behind my big beefs with Christianity.  Granted, there are still things that irk me that seem to be present in the "religious faithful", as it were.  The sense of moral and spiritual superiority is one.  The propensity toward martyrdom is another.  I had the politicization and the Roman influence.  But...

My point of view, is that if it makes you happy... it can't be that bad (yes, it's a Sheryl Crow song.  It's also my point of view.  Cope.)  If you act like an asshole, that's your responsibility.  You don't get to blame it on a devil or a god or a bad day... you CAN, but it's still your responsibility.  Just apologize and go on with life.  Hell, I'm an asshole sometimes and I blame it on my meds or hormones... but those are also things that I could physically show to you.  I'm also STILL responsible for the times when I'm an asshole.  *shrugs*  I try not to excuse that too much, because even with meds and hormones, I still make my own decisions.  Sometimes, I need to be sorry for that.  And sometimes, the people who get the brunt of it REALLY have it coming.

Sometimes it's difficult to sort out the difference.

If you bludgeon people with your beliefs or insult OTHERS' beliefs, it doesn't matter what religion you're part of, you're an asshole.

And because our country is majority Christian, Christians get permission to be assholes more than most.  Comparable to racism, if you think about it.  Religionism.

But, Religionism goes both ways. 

*sigh*  I have a lot of thoughts on possibilities, but they're just possibilities.  If I have a "belief", it's that a lot more things are POSSIBLE than we might realize.  But otherwise?  I don't take things on faith.  I don't attribute things I can't otherwise explain to an invisible creator in the sky (WHATEVER name you want to give to it) that I've never seen, never heard,  And if you want to tell me that I have to do that or I'm going to burn for eternity, I'm going to tell you that your deity is kindof an asshole.

*shrug*  But it's just an opinion.

I can't tell anyone that I know how the universe came to be any more than anyone else can.  I don't know how old it is.  All I know is that the shit I see thrown around at the question itself is ATROCIOUS, on ALL sides.  

And I'm Pagan.  Why?

Because I like stories.  Because rituals and spells make me feel something and I don't have to give up my intellect for it.  Because I don't know for sure that anything is or isn't true.  Because it makes sense to me.  Because I don't mind being called a "sampler" or having my "religion" be called a "buffet line" (even if those terms are typically used with malice.  It's the malice that's rude.  Doesn't matter if the terms are true.)  Because there are things about every religion, even Christianity, that I can appreciate, and because I can't hold a religion responsible for the people who are part of it, but I STILL can't accept the doctrines of Christianity as ultimate truth.  *shrugs*  Just because I can't.

Because I suppose I don't really believe that anyone KNOWS the "ultimate truth".  

I believe that judging people is stupid.  I believe that loving people is very, very good.  I believe that it's important to pull your head out of your ass but that it's ALSO important to take care of yourself.  I believe that if people tell you that all of your problems are your own fault and that, thus, you can somehow fix them with some magical cure of "repentance", they're naive at best and abusing you at worst.  I believe that forgiveness is conditional, but love doesn't have to be.  I believe that relationships have to have boundaries but that no one can tell you precisely what those boundaries should be except for the other people in that relationship.  And you ought to smack anyone who tries.

I believe that I can forgive people for the asanine things that they do if they can admit that they were asanine, but if they're just going to blame ME for them, there's no point in trying to have a relationship.  And I believe that there are people who are allergic to personal responsibility and that no one will ever have healthy relationships with them until they can get over it.

I believe that I'm not perfect, and that no one should simply spread forgiveness over me for it, but that people ought to think three times before passing judgment on my decisions... because they don't know me as well as they think they do.  I believe they DO have a right to tell me when I've hurt them, but they DON'T have a right to yell at me that I've hurt them and then run away and talk about what a terrible person I am for my own mistakes.

And I believe that I should do the same for others.  And I believe in being patient with people when they have a problem.

I believe that the only actions I have a right to judge in other people are the manner in which they treat ME.

But I believe that it's very important to judge those actions when I'm chosing my friends.

I don't believe in Yahweh.  I think Yeshua may have existed but I don't think that he's some jealous, angry deity's son.  I believe that it's entirely possible that if he DID exist he was crazy... but that sometimes, crazy people have some really interesting things to say.  

*shrug*

I believe that those ideas will probably change in the coming years, but most likely, not by much.  

I believe in freedom, love, and possibility.

Love,
Crystal

People are judgmental.

I'm not thinking of religion at all... I mean I HATE it when people are judgmental.  I hate it when people judge other people for their weight, or their jobs, or what kind of foods they eat, or where they're going to school, or whether or not their marriage works out, or how they deal with their S/O's, or what they do with their free time, or how many charities they give to, or how they deal with the bad things that happen to them, or how they deal with the GOOD things that happen to them, or how they do a job...

And I hate it when I'm judgmental, too.

I hate how much judgmental behavior I see in the world, and how sad it is, and how much grief it causes, and how much we continously forget that we have NO RIGHT to judge how anyone else lives their life.  

(disclaimer:  There's a difference between judging and being concerned.  It's a fine line, but it is a line.  So if you've expressed concern to me over someone else's behavior recently, don't think that I'm thinking of you when I'm talking about people being judgmental.)

Love,
Crystal

If you're curious about good ways to handle people going through shitty things, please see

per_solo

friendstephen

abond

popfiend

the_dark_snack

Love,
Crystal

Know anyone who's hiring for full time work offering at least $25k a year and doesn't require a degree of any kind?  Have several skills and am willing to do just about anything for boss who does not regularly bite my head off.  Background in administrative assistant and professional driving. 

Probably not, but I figured it was worth a shot at least.

Prefer not to work for attorneys.

Love,
Crystal

There are days I feel like a kid again.

Really, don't ask me why, it's too difficult to explain.  But I think I may have kitten genes.  Srlsy.  

I likes to stalk in the bushes and then jump out and scratch the hell out of you, and then sit on my haunches and look cute.

This is why we don't give kittehs to eeeeeevil people.  

Love,
Crystal