For whatever reason, at some point during the weekend while
per_solo was taking a nap and I was laying beside him drifting in and out of sleep, I got to thinking about Weslee's father. And I got to thinking about the time around when I lost my son.
And a lot of things made me angry that I hadn't really had a chance to be angry about before.
I think it's because for a long time I haven't had any vent for those feelings or I've tried to hold them back because I didn't figure anyone gave a damn anyway, but I realized just how many of the people around me at the time were COMPLETE jackasses. Some of them came back later and apologized, but I think some of them STILL like to dump blame on me for their feelings and their hurts around that time. People were selfish and stupid, and I don't fucking understand it.
The funny thing is... it was nice to be able to feel that way. Most of those people I'm not around anymore and so I don't havea chance to have any kind of real conversation about it, which I'm really not lamenting. I don't WANT to talk to them about the whole thing. It just pisses me off that there were people around that time who wanted to kick me when I was down and got mad because I didn't let them. It makes me mad the people who WEREN'T there for me at the time. It makes me mad that my brother came to the funeral and the didn't bother to call and check up on me, and then decided later when HE had a kid that I ought to drop everything and pretend like we could be a big happy family (despite the fact that he showed little interest in family until he had one of his own.) It pisses me off that people couldn't find it in themselves to be more sensitive. It pisses me off that on my son's birthday people at church sat at a table far away from me and laughed and talked loudly about being pregnant and having kids and never thought to come over and ask how I was doing. It pisses me off that it's only been four years, and it's supposed to be "no big deal" to me now, somehow. It pisses me off that I've had people who are married, who have the support of their families, who have lost children, look at me and go "I don't know what your big deal is" when I had NO ONE.
Or it did... anyway. It pissed me off for a little while. And I lay in bed at that point and let myself feel those things, be angry with those people, stop feeling guilty for it and stop blaming myself for their failings... and in some cases, stop accepting their blame for them.
And I feel better.
They say you shouldn't dig up old graves, because things start stinking. But I think that sometimes when things aren't put to rest properly, that needs to be fixed. *shrugs* No matter how ugly the remains might be. At least once it's done right it's done.*
Love,
Crystal
*That's not to say that I'm over it, or that I won't still feel some anger toward some people. It just means that it's put to rest properly, and that it's not poking out of the ground causing problems.