Wow, talk about keyboard courage

This is why I tend to avoid the Indystar.com talkback section... folks will say all kinds of ridiculously stupid and ignorant things when they don't have to admit they were the ones who said it.

Take, for example:

"Gays are not sexual deviants?  Then explain to me why they cannot reproduce?"

...dude, seriously?  Inability to reproduce makes you a "sexual deviant"?  Well, then I guess you'd better add sexual deviancy to my list of "sins" (not that it wasn't already there I'm sure, at least for some folks).  And while you're at it, absolutely every man and woman in the world who has fertility issues.

Oh, and Sarah. You know, Abraham's wife?  I mean sure, she had a baby when she was 90... so, I guess for 90 years, she was a sexual deviant too.

What?  I'm sorry?  I'm Pagan so what do I know?

What do I know indeed.  I know YOUR Bible, apparently.  Better than you do.  Hm, in't that interesting.

Love,
Crystal
 

Happy Holidays...

So I was digging through my gmail trash today because I got completely bored and found an email from my Mom that said "I don't know if you're still mad at me or not but you're welcome to come over for Thanksgiving."

No.

We're going to Minnesota to hang with Aaron and Elana anyway, but if we weren't, it'd still be "no".  Yes, her email LOOKS very dedicated and humble.  I've known her for 26 years.  She's playing the martyr.

She has yet to apologize for telling my younger brother that I'm losing my mind.  She's yet to apologize for going into "preacher mode" every. single. time. we talk.  And I'm not LOOKING for an apology to appease my own pride.  I'm looking for an apology for the same reason she wanted apologies when I did something wrong as a kid.

"I want to know you aren't going to do it again."

So, the answer is, no.  Not until she can give me that.

Like I've said before, a milion times... I don't hate her.  I don't even dislike her.  I don't even have a GRUDGE against her.  But I made a decision not too long ago that no one gets to abuse me... not even family.  I'm not going to be around people who push my buttons on purpose.  And if she can't stop, I'm really not the one missing out.

There's very little I'm not willing to sacrifice for my own sanity and the sanity of those close to me.

Love,
Crystal
 

Digging Up Old Graves

For whatever reason, at some point during the weekend while

per_solo  was taking a nap and I was laying beside him drifting in and out of sleep, I got to thinking about Weslee's father.  And I got to thinking about the time around when I lost my son.

And a lot of things made me angry that I hadn't really had a chance to be angry about before.

 

I think it's because for a long time I haven't had any vent for those feelings or I've tried to hold them back because I didn't figure anyone gave a damn anyway, but I realized just how many of the people around me at the time were COMPLETE jackasses.  Some of them came back later and apologized, but I think some of them STILL like to dump blame on me for their feelings and their hurts around that time.  People were selfish and stupid, and I don't fucking understand it.

The funny thing is... it was nice to be able to feel that way.  Most of those people I'm not around anymore and so I don't havea chance to have any kind of real conversation about it, which I'm really not lamenting.  I don't WANT to talk to them about the whole thing.  It just pisses me off that there were people around that time who wanted to kick me when I was down and got mad because I didn't let them.  It makes me mad the people who WEREN'T there for me at the time.  It makes me mad that my brother came to the funeral and the didn't bother to call and check up on me, and then decided later when HE had a kid that I ought to drop everything and pretend like we could be a big happy family (despite the fact that he showed little interest in family until he had one of his own.)  It pisses me off that people couldn't find it in themselves to be more sensitive. It pisses me off that on my son's birthday people at church sat at a table far away from me and laughed and talked loudly about being pregnant and having kids and never thought to come over and ask how I was doing.  It pisses me off that it's only been four years, and it's supposed to be "no big deal" to me now, somehow.  It pisses me off that I've had people who are married, who have the support of their families, who have lost children, look at me and go "I don't know what your big deal is" when I had NO ONE.

Or it did... anyway.  It pissed me off for a little while.  And I lay in bed at that point and let myself feel those things, be angry with those people, stop feeling guilty for it and stop blaming myself for their failings... and in some cases, stop accepting their blame for them. 

And I feel better.

They say you shouldn't dig up old graves, because things start stinking.  But I think that sometimes when things aren't put to rest properly, that needs to be fixed. *shrugs*  No matter how ugly the remains might be.  At least once it's done right it's done.*

Love,
Crystal

*That's not to say that I'm over it, or that I won't still feel some anger toward some people.  It just means that it's put to rest properly, and that it's not poking out of the ground causing problems.