My bare feet.

[crysthewolf]

I'm sick of whining.  No, seriously.  Something's ALWAYS happening, the ceiling is ALWAYS falling on my head, and whether anyone wants to believe it or not, I get a LOT of shit thrown at me.  A LOT.  Just today I had to get my lights turned back on (had to borrow money for it.  I HATE borrowing money), had to fight for the third day in a row between the gas station and my debit card company to get the $100 hold that the gas station mistakenly put on my card taken OFF, and it's STILL not taken care of, AND, to TOP it all off, my brother went off on me again (see earlier post). And, regardless of where I may BE in my life right now (jobless, just had my power shut off [it's back on now, no worries], behind on my bills and broke) and how much of that anyone may THINK it's my own fault and I ought to be FURTHER and if I just tried hard enough I WOULD be?  I've done DAMNED good for myself.

Let's be real... I was born to a shitty situation.  While my Dad's a good person (I've decided that that's what I think of him, based on how much I know of him, even though there are some missing years and, let's face it, who really knows their parents all that well, beyond them being their parents?) my Mom is callous, a racist, and a bigot, on top of anything else she might have going for her.  She's got no financial sense, forcefully sheltered me to the point that I wasn't allowed to get a car or a job when I was living at home and didn't know how to take care of myself once I got OUT, and the after I left for college only offered me help once because she was afraid that if I ended up on the street people would think that she's a bad mother.  She's also got a good sense of humor and I think, to some degree, actually cares about people... but it always ends up getting swallowed up in her own prejudices.  And then, of course, there's the callousness. 

So when I left home, I didn't know what I was doing.  What I wasn't afraid of doing I screwed up completely.  So the fact that I've had a job at ALL by this point that hasn't been at McDonald's???  Says something for ME.  Not my Mom, possibly a bit my Dad, but mostly for ME.

My Dad, I think, did good, honestly.  I'm sure there are things that he could have "done better"... but I wouldn't change anything.  Not even living with my crazy mother.  'Cause I can understand not wanting to fight her for custody of me and my sister.  Maybe some people don't, but I can understand that.  Hell, I haven't ALWAYS understood it, but I get it.  And I can understand, after she told him that if he wasn't going to pick us up at the time that SHE wanted him to every other weekend (did I mention control freak?) that he shouldn't pick us up at all (and then taking us out on the evening when he WAS supposed to pick us up... I actually remember that, btw.)... I can understand giving up, too.

No, I don't hate my Mom, and I don't blame her for everything.  *shrugs*  I'm sure Dad could have fought it... but to be honest, if I were him, I wouldn't have either.  That kind of thing will wear on you to the point that you just can't deal it anymore.  And I feel sorry for my Mom... but she also made her bed.  She got shit on a lot, granted... but a lot of that was AFTER she made her bed.

So yes, I was born to a shitty situation, and not raised very well.  Socializing was a bit of a problem what with Mom deciding at random that this friend or that friend wasn't good for me (and, at one point, not letting me go outside at all), so the fact that I ever made friends at ALL is kindof a wonder.  I'm not really going to get down on myself for the fact that I didn't always pick great ones (although I think that I picked several VERY good ones.  I just managed to get several very BAD ones in the mix too.)   And then after getting ton of bricks after ton of bricks dumped on my head by the poor choices in friends I DID make... building healthy relationships became something of an obstacle course.

But then, don't we all have a little of that to a degree?  Even a very small one?

The point is, I'm not going to beat myself up for it anymore.

I'm not saying that everything is my Mom's fault or that I haven't made bad choices, because I have.  But what I'm ALSO saying, is that I'm not as much of a loser as I sometimes convince myself I am.  I'm CERTAINLY not as much of a loser as the more abusive people in my life try to convince me I am. 

And I'm not as much to blame as they would have me think, either.

I've made my share of mistakes.  We all have.  And, my honest belief (OMG I BELIEVE SOMETHING!) is that 99.999999999999% of the mistakes you make are to some degree your fault and to some degree chance, happenstance, or someone else fucking you over.  Different mistakes that I've made fall on different places on that scale.  I've had people tell me before that ALL of my mistakes are ALL my fault and that I "just need to take responsibility for them."  Fuck that.  Of course, usually when I'm told that, it's by someone who's contributed to the mistake I've made. ;)

I guess the point is, I'm not going to ask why I keep getting hit with shit, because I know why.  Some of it's my fault, some of it is the shit I was born to, and some of it is someone actively attempting to fuck me over.  In the end, a hell of a lot falls on chance.  Where the RESPONSIBILITY comes in, is where you try your best to jump on the good stuff when you find it.

I've come a long way (baby).  ;)  I'm not as afraid as I used to be (although there are still times when I'm afraid, and there are still times when I hold it back.)  I can still cry when someone's an asshole to me, but the point where I stop listening to them comes sooner and sooner.  And, at this point?

I think that I'm over whining about all of the shit that happens to me.  Because, it does just that... it HAPPENS.  Why's my brother being a jerk?  I don't have a clue, but it happens.  Why'd I lose my job?  Because my boss was an asshole, and it happens.  Why did the gas station fuck up my debit card and put a hold on for $100 that STILL hasn't come off (although at least I'm getting a little further with the whole thing!)?  Because big companies don't give a shit what you're going through or how little money you have, and it happens.  Why did my electricity get turned off when I thought that I still had a week to pay the bill?  I'm not sure... it's either because the electric company are assholes, or because I read the bill wrong... and either way, IT HAPPENS.

Do all of these things happen to me because I'm an idiot?  No.  Do they happen because I fucked up somewhere?  No.  Do they happen because I'm a human being and born into sin and I've done things that God doesn't like and so, to some degree, I deserve anything that happens to me and I should be grateful for anything GOOD that happens to me?  Bullshit, and no.  Do they happen because I'm a bad person?  Because I'm crazy?  Because I'm self-destructive?  Because I shoot myself in the foot?  Because I won't let people save me (after they break me)?  Because I don't grovel before self-appointed authority figures?  Because I don't let people abuse me even if they're family?  Because I'm worthless and useless and I make stupid decisions because I have no vision for my future?

No, no, no, no, no and... well... you get the idea.

They happen because THEY HAPPEN.  I know I'm doing my best, and that with the amount of breaks I HAVEN'T gotten, I'm doing a DAMNED GOOD JOB.  I know that the fact that I don't have as good a job as my older brother does isn't because I don't work hard enough and I'm lazy, no matter what anyone, including him, might say... it's because his mind works a certain way and he gets programming easily, because he actually WAS lazy but he could afford to be because he was naturally smart, and because I wasn't gifted with that, didn't get any breaks, and haven't had much luck happen my way.  It's chance.  Random, irrational, emotionless, mindless, CHANCE.

What matters, is that I know that I'M doing MY best.  Other people can judge me if they want to, but their judgments are worthless and they're assholes, and not worth my time.  I know that I try MY best to do the things that I can do to make my life better.  And I know, that SOMETIMES, SHIT JUST HAPPENS.

And a lot of shit has happened to me.

But you know what???

There IS one thing that I AM responsible for.

I'm responsible for how I'm going to deal with it.  I'm responsible for how much of anyone's blame I take in.  I'm responsible for... the fact that I haven't lost my apartment, that it's actually a NICE apartment in a NICE part of town and even though it's small, it SUITS me.  A lot of people have helped me, and I chose to take their help.  And I have had SOME luck and SOME good things come my way.

I do my best.  I'm NOT a loser.  I'm NOT lazy, or careless, or useless, or stupid, or delusional, or crazy...

I'm a damned sight more sane than I've got any right to be, given my background, and fuck anybody who thinks differently.

And the world can throw all the rocks it wants at me, I'll still get up and fight.  And people can try to abuse me and try to knock me down because I look like an easy target, what with the bruises and the scrapes and the scars... but I don't fall easy, and when I do fall, it ain't for long.  I don't take shit and I don't let people push me over.  And you can call me a hardass if you want to... but it's what gotten me through.

And let's be real... I'm a big old softie too. :) :) :)

I've scraped, and I've fought, and I've cried and I've burned and I've broken, to get where I am.  And you may not approve.  And you may think that I could have done better.  And hell, you may be right.

But this is me.  This is where I am.  And I may get upset when you judge me, but when it's all said and done, I know...

That I got here.  With friends, with (some) family, with love, with hard work and a hell of a lot of fighting.  I got here.  I walked all this way, on MY bare feet.

And if that ain't enough for you, you can take your judgments, and shove them up your ass.

Love,
Crystal

Comments

[crysthewolf.livejournal.com]

FUCKING HARDCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!