My bare feet.
Aug. 19th, 2008 05:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crysthewolfI'm sick of whining. No, seriously. Something's ALWAYS happening, the ceiling is ALWAYS falling on my head, and whether anyone wants to believe it or not, I get a LOT of shit thrown at me. A LOT. Just today I had to get my lights turned back on (had to borrow money for it. I HATE borrowing money), had to fight for the third day in a row between the gas station and my debit card company to get the $100 hold that the gas station mistakenly put on my card taken OFF, and it's STILL not taken care of, AND, to TOP it all off, my brother went off on me again (see earlier post). And, regardless of where I may BE in my life right now (jobless, just had my power shut off [it's back on now, no worries], behind on my bills and broke) and how much of that anyone may THINK it's my own fault and I ought to be FURTHER and if I just tried hard enough I WOULD be? I've done DAMNED good for myself.
Let's be real... I was born to a shitty situation. While my Dad's a good person (I've decided that that's what I think of him, based on how much I know of him, even though there are some missing years and, let's face it, who really knows their parents all that well, beyond them being their parents?) my Mom is callous, a racist, and a bigot, on top of anything else she might have going for her. She's got no financial sense, forcefully sheltered me to the point that I wasn't allowed to get a car or a job when I was living at home and didn't know how to take care of myself once I got OUT, and the after I left for college only offered me help once because she was afraid that if I ended up on the street people would think that she's a bad mother. She's also got a good sense of humor and I think, to some degree, actually cares about people... but it always ends up getting swallowed up in her own prejudices. And then, of course, there's the callousness.
So when I left home, I didn't know what I was doing. What I wasn't afraid of doing I screwed up completely. So the fact that I've had a job at ALL by this point that hasn't been at McDonald's??? Says something for ME. Not my Mom, possibly a bit my Dad, but mostly for ME.
My Dad, I think, did good, honestly. I'm sure there are things that he could have "done better"... but I wouldn't change anything. Not even living with my crazy mother. 'Cause I can understand not wanting to fight her for custody of me and my sister. Maybe some people don't, but I can understand that. Hell, I haven't ALWAYS understood it, but I get it. And I can understand, after she told him that if he wasn't going to pick us up at the time that SHE wanted him to every other weekend (did I mention control freak?) that he shouldn't pick us up at all (and then taking us out on the evening when he WAS supposed to pick us up... I actually remember that, btw.)... I can understand giving up, too.
No, I don't hate my Mom, and I don't blame her for everything. *shrugs* I'm sure Dad could have fought it... but to be honest, if I were him, I wouldn't have either. That kind of thing will wear on you to the point that you just can't deal it anymore. And I feel sorry for my Mom... but she also made her bed. She got shit on a lot, granted... but a lot of that was AFTER she made her bed.
So yes, I was born to a shitty situation, and not raised very well. Socializing was a bit of a problem what with Mom deciding at random that this friend or that friend wasn't good for me (and, at one point, not letting me go outside at all), so the fact that I ever made friends at ALL is kindof a wonder. I'm not really going to get down on myself for the fact that I didn't always pick great ones (although I think that I picked several VERY good ones. I just managed to get several very BAD ones in the mix too.) And then after getting ton of bricks after ton of bricks dumped on my head by the poor choices in friends I DID make... building healthy relationships became something of an obstacle course.
But then, don't we all have a little of that to a degree? Even a very small one?
The point is, I'm not going to beat myself up for it anymore.
I'm not saying that everything is my Mom's fault or that I haven't made bad choices, because I have. But what I'm ALSO saying, is that I'm not as much of a loser as I sometimes convince myself I am. I'm CERTAINLY not as much of a loser as the more abusive people in my life try to convince me I am.
And I'm not as much to blame as they would have me think, either.
I've made my share of mistakes. We all have. And, my honest belief (OMG I BELIEVE SOMETHING!) is that 99.999999999999% of the mistakes you make are to some degree your fault and to some degree chance, happenstance, or someone else fucking you over. Different mistakes that I've made fall on different places on that scale. I've had people tell me before that ALL of my mistakes are ALL my fault and that I "just need to take responsibility for them." Fuck that. Of course, usually when I'm told that, it's by someone who's contributed to the mistake I've made. ;)
I guess the point is, I'm not going to ask why I keep getting hit with shit, because I know why. Some of it's my fault, some of it is the shit I was born to, and some of it is someone actively attempting to fuck me over. In the end, a hell of a lot falls on chance. Where the RESPONSIBILITY comes in, is where you try your best to jump on the good stuff when you find it.
I've come a long way (baby). ;) I'm not as afraid as I used to be (although there are still times when I'm afraid, and there are still times when I hold it back.) I can still cry when someone's an asshole to me, but the point where I stop listening to them comes sooner and sooner. And, at this point?
I think that I'm over whining about all of the shit that happens to me. Because, it does just that... it HAPPENS. Why's my brother being a jerk? I don't have a clue, but it happens. Why'd I lose my job? Because my boss was an asshole, and it happens. Why did the gas station fuck up my debit card and put a hold on for $100 that STILL hasn't come off (although at least I'm getting a little further with the whole thing!)? Because big companies don't give a shit what you're going through or how little money you have, and it happens. Why did my electricity get turned off when I thought that I still had a week to pay the bill? I'm not sure... it's either because the electric company are assholes, or because I read the bill wrong... and either way, IT HAPPENS.
Do all of these things happen to me because I'm an idiot? No. Do they happen because I fucked up somewhere? No. Do they happen because I'm a human being and born into sin and I've done things that God doesn't like and so, to some degree, I deserve anything that happens to me and I should be grateful for anything GOOD that happens to me? Bullshit, and no. Do they happen because I'm a bad person? Because I'm crazy? Because I'm self-destructive? Because I shoot myself in the foot? Because I won't let people save me (after they break me)? Because I don't grovel before self-appointed authority figures? Because I don't let people abuse me even if they're family? Because I'm worthless and useless and I make stupid decisions because I have no vision for my future?
No, no, no, no, no and... well... you get the idea.
They happen because THEY HAPPEN. I know I'm doing my best, and that with the amount of breaks I HAVEN'T gotten, I'm doing a DAMNED GOOD JOB. I know that the fact that I don't have as good a job as my older brother does isn't because I don't work hard enough and I'm lazy, no matter what anyone, including him, might say... it's because his mind works a certain way and he gets programming easily, because he actually WAS lazy but he could afford to be because he was naturally smart, and because I wasn't gifted with that, didn't get any breaks, and haven't had much luck happen my way. It's chance. Random, irrational, emotionless, mindless, CHANCE.
What matters, is that I know that I'M doing MY best. Other people can judge me if they want to, but their judgments are worthless and they're assholes, and not worth my time. I know that I try MY best to do the things that I can do to make my life better. And I know, that SOMETIMES, SHIT JUST HAPPENS.
And a lot of shit has happened to me.
But you know what???
There IS one thing that I AM responsible for.
I'm responsible for how I'm going to deal with it. I'm responsible for how much of anyone's blame I take in. I'm responsible for... the fact that I haven't lost my apartment, that it's actually a NICE apartment in a NICE part of town and even though it's small, it SUITS me. A lot of people have helped me, and I chose to take their help. And I have had SOME luck and SOME good things come my way.
I do my best. I'm NOT a loser. I'm NOT lazy, or careless, or useless, or stupid, or delusional, or crazy...
I'm a damned sight more sane than I've got any right to be, given my background, and fuck anybody who thinks differently.
And the world can throw all the rocks it wants at me, I'll still get up and fight. And people can try to abuse me and try to knock me down because I look like an easy target, what with the bruises and the scrapes and the scars... but I don't fall easy, and when I do fall, it ain't for long. I don't take shit and I don't let people push me over. And you can call me a hardass if you want to... but it's what gotten me through.
And let's be real... I'm a big old softie too. :) :) :)
I've scraped, and I've fought, and I've cried and I've burned and I've broken, to get where I am. And you may not approve. And you may think that I could have done better. And hell, you may be right.
But this is me. This is where I am. And I may get upset when you judge me, but when it's all said and done, I know...
That I got here. With friends, with (some) family, with love, with hard work and a hell of a lot of fighting. I got here. I walked all this way, on MY bare feet.
And if that ain't enough for you, you can take your judgments, and shove them up your ass.
Love,
Crystal
So when I left home, I didn't know what I was doing. What I wasn't afraid of doing I screwed up completely. So the fact that I've had a job at ALL by this point that hasn't been at McDonald's??? Says something for ME. Not my Mom, possibly a bit my Dad, but mostly for ME.
My Dad, I think, did good, honestly. I'm sure there are things that he could have "done better"... but I wouldn't change anything. Not even living with my crazy mother. 'Cause I can understand not wanting to fight her for custody of me and my sister. Maybe some people don't, but I can understand that. Hell, I haven't ALWAYS understood it, but I get it. And I can understand, after she told him that if he wasn't going to pick us up at the time that SHE wanted him to every other weekend (did I mention control freak?) that he shouldn't pick us up at all (and then taking us out on the evening when he WAS supposed to pick us up... I actually remember that, btw.)... I can understand giving up, too.
No, I don't hate my Mom, and I don't blame her for everything. *shrugs* I'm sure Dad could have fought it... but to be honest, if I were him, I wouldn't have either. That kind of thing will wear on you to the point that you just can't deal it anymore. And I feel sorry for my Mom... but she also made her bed. She got shit on a lot, granted... but a lot of that was AFTER she made her bed.
So yes, I was born to a shitty situation, and not raised very well. Socializing was a bit of a problem what with Mom deciding at random that this friend or that friend wasn't good for me (and, at one point, not letting me go outside at all), so the fact that I ever made friends at ALL is kindof a wonder. I'm not really going to get down on myself for the fact that I didn't always pick great ones (although I think that I picked several VERY good ones. I just managed to get several very BAD ones in the mix too.) And then after getting ton of bricks after ton of bricks dumped on my head by the poor choices in friends I DID make... building healthy relationships became something of an obstacle course.
But then, don't we all have a little of that to a degree? Even a very small one?
The point is, I'm not going to beat myself up for it anymore.
I'm not saying that everything is my Mom's fault or that I haven't made bad choices, because I have. But what I'm ALSO saying, is that I'm not as much of a loser as I sometimes convince myself I am. I'm CERTAINLY not as much of a loser as the more abusive people in my life try to convince me I am.
And I'm not as much to blame as they would have me think, either.
I've made my share of mistakes. We all have. And, my honest belief (OMG I BELIEVE SOMETHING!) is that 99.999999999999% of the mistakes you make are to some degree your fault and to some degree chance, happenstance, or someone else fucking you over. Different mistakes that I've made fall on different places on that scale. I've had people tell me before that ALL of my mistakes are ALL my fault and that I "just need to take responsibility for them." Fuck that. Of course, usually when I'm told that, it's by someone who's contributed to the mistake I've made. ;)
I guess the point is, I'm not going to ask why I keep getting hit with shit, because I know why. Some of it's my fault, some of it is the shit I was born to, and some of it is someone actively attempting to fuck me over. In the end, a hell of a lot falls on chance. Where the RESPONSIBILITY comes in, is where you try your best to jump on the good stuff when you find it.
I've come a long way (baby). ;) I'm not as afraid as I used to be (although there are still times when I'm afraid, and there are still times when I hold it back.) I can still cry when someone's an asshole to me, but the point where I stop listening to them comes sooner and sooner. And, at this point?
I think that I'm over whining about all of the shit that happens to me. Because, it does just that... it HAPPENS. Why's my brother being a jerk? I don't have a clue, but it happens. Why'd I lose my job? Because my boss was an asshole, and it happens. Why did the gas station fuck up my debit card and put a hold on for $100 that STILL hasn't come off (although at least I'm getting a little further with the whole thing!)? Because big companies don't give a shit what you're going through or how little money you have, and it happens. Why did my electricity get turned off when I thought that I still had a week to pay the bill? I'm not sure... it's either because the electric company are assholes, or because I read the bill wrong... and either way, IT HAPPENS.
Do all of these things happen to me because I'm an idiot? No. Do they happen because I fucked up somewhere? No. Do they happen because I'm a human being and born into sin and I've done things that God doesn't like and so, to some degree, I deserve anything that happens to me and I should be grateful for anything GOOD that happens to me? Bullshit, and no. Do they happen because I'm a bad person? Because I'm crazy? Because I'm self-destructive? Because I shoot myself in the foot? Because I won't let people save me (after they break me)? Because I don't grovel before self-appointed authority figures? Because I don't let people abuse me even if they're family? Because I'm worthless and useless and I make stupid decisions because I have no vision for my future?
No, no, no, no, no and... well... you get the idea.
They happen because THEY HAPPEN. I know I'm doing my best, and that with the amount of breaks I HAVEN'T gotten, I'm doing a DAMNED GOOD JOB. I know that the fact that I don't have as good a job as my older brother does isn't because I don't work hard enough and I'm lazy, no matter what anyone, including him, might say... it's because his mind works a certain way and he gets programming easily, because he actually WAS lazy but he could afford to be because he was naturally smart, and because I wasn't gifted with that, didn't get any breaks, and haven't had much luck happen my way. It's chance. Random, irrational, emotionless, mindless, CHANCE.
What matters, is that I know that I'M doing MY best. Other people can judge me if they want to, but their judgments are worthless and they're assholes, and not worth my time. I know that I try MY best to do the things that I can do to make my life better. And I know, that SOMETIMES, SHIT JUST HAPPENS.
And a lot of shit has happened to me.
But you know what???
There IS one thing that I AM responsible for.
I'm responsible for how I'm going to deal with it. I'm responsible for how much of anyone's blame I take in. I'm responsible for... the fact that I haven't lost my apartment, that it's actually a NICE apartment in a NICE part of town and even though it's small, it SUITS me. A lot of people have helped me, and I chose to take their help. And I have had SOME luck and SOME good things come my way.
I do my best. I'm NOT a loser. I'm NOT lazy, or careless, or useless, or stupid, or delusional, or crazy...
I'm a damned sight more sane than I've got any right to be, given my background, and fuck anybody who thinks differently.
And the world can throw all the rocks it wants at me, I'll still get up and fight. And people can try to abuse me and try to knock me down because I look like an easy target, what with the bruises and the scrapes and the scars... but I don't fall easy, and when I do fall, it ain't for long. I don't take shit and I don't let people push me over. And you can call me a hardass if you want to... but it's what gotten me through.
And let's be real... I'm a big old softie too. :) :) :)
I've scraped, and I've fought, and I've cried and I've burned and I've broken, to get where I am. And you may not approve. And you may think that I could have done better. And hell, you may be right.
But this is me. This is where I am. And I may get upset when you judge me, but when it's all said and done, I know...
That I got here. With friends, with (some) family, with love, with hard work and a hell of a lot of fighting. I got here. I walked all this way, on MY bare feet.
And if that ain't enough for you, you can take your judgments, and shove them up your ass.
Love,
Crystal
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 01:01 am (UTC)OMFG YOU FUCKING GO, GIRL!!!!
Fuck all those assholes, and FUCK that piece-of-shit brother of yours. I know he has a side to it all, but that does not justify his actions!
And you know what, with all the asshole's I've had to deal with today...I hope an asshole like him reads this, and reads EVERYTHING you said. I hope it hurts him (or them) inside.
You
Go
GIRL!!!
And guess what?
...FUCKING HARDCORE!!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 01:38 am (UTC)Goodbye
Date: 2008-08-20 03:31 am (UTC)You make me sick. You are dead to me. I'm finished with you. I'm sorry I ever thought you were worth any time in the least.
Re: Goodbye
Date: 2008-08-20 03:38 am (UTC)And thank you for jumping to conclusions, I didn't agree with him, I said "FUCKING HARDCORE!!!!" which, if you knew me at all, you MIGHT know that that's a joke between Jesse and I in regards to a role-playing game we played together once, and NOT about you. 'Course now it makes much more sense why you accuse me of thinking that the world revolves around me... you're projecting.
But you don't know me. You've never taken the time to try to GET to know me. Have you?
And considering that you've never taken the time to get to know me, I'm not exactly terribly concerned about whether or not you think that I'm "worth your time". Considering you've spent a good portion of your time over the past several months telling me how worthless and stupid and lost I am... I'm not thinking that it's worth much.
You see, you've NEVER treated me like family. Brian has, Eric has, but all you've done is walk around with your head up your ass worrying about YOU. And when you DID focus on me, it was to abuse me and lie about me. So this whole dramatic "dead to me" line of crap is really lost on me.
You don't bother me anymore. I've stopped caring about what you think, Wil, because it's not worth my time... not because YOU'RE worthless, but because what you think about me is such utter bullshit that I'm not going to WASTe time on it.
So, if I'm so worthless and so not worth your time, pull your slacker ass away from the keyboard, and go spend time with your kid. No WONDER Toni gets shitty with you.
Re: Goodbye
Date: 2008-08-20 01:52 pm (UTC)I want to apologize. I had to sleep on it, but I'm finally seeing all of this for what it is, and it is beginning to make sense.
I am being treated, by you, as I have treated God. My words are being twisted as I have twisted His. My intentions are being misunderstood as I have misunderstood his. I am being slandered as I have slandered Him.
These things I have come to understand. How can I ask God to wipe the slate clean, and to forget my ramblings, when I can't forget yours? How can I expect the Lord to forgive me, when I won't forgive you? How can I beg God to ignore the devil in me when I cannot ignore the devil in you?
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35)
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
I have been tested, and I have failed miserably.
Thusly, I apologize. From the deepest depths of my soul I apologize. I truly believe that you will not believe I am sincere, but I at least want to make the effort. You are absolutely right. I have no right, nor reason, to come to this place and to argue against you. You are entitled to your opinions and beliefs and what I think of them should not be heard unless specifically asked for, here in your house.
I apologize, I do not take anything you have said about me, or that your friends have said about me to heart.
I forgive you. I ask for no forgiveness in return.
I believe that it is wise for us to keep our distance from each other. I bear you no ill will, but we are unfortunately a volatile mixture. Where you go, I will not go. I will arrive when you have left. I will leave when you are on your way. Until one of us changes, it is best we just stay away from each other. It is at least best that I stay away from you, until I am strong enough to resist the temptation to judge against you.
Again I apologize, and I wish you and your friends the best.
Re: Goodbye
Date: 2008-08-20 02:08 pm (UTC)You seriously, just decided that you're faultless and perfect and that I'm making false accusations against you and that you've done nothing at all wrong to me, and that I'm making false accusations when I complain about the names that you've called me and the nasty things that you've said to me?
There's something wrong with you, Will, and I don't know what it is, but I'm going to take you up on your offer to not see me, because you've decided that I'm stupid and ignorant and evil, and I don't have any interest in having a relationship with someone who makes up an image of who I am in their head and then projects it to other people.
If you want to pretend that you're Jesus and play the martyr you go right ahead... at least perhaps it will mean that you'll STOP verbally abusing your little sister.
I'll keep an eye on the message board, to see of Jakeb or anyone else posts, but I'll go ahead and leave your posts alone, just so that you don't feel tempted to verbally abuse me anymore.
And no, I don't forgive you, because you don't think that you've done anything wrong... which means that you'll just turn around and do it again as soon as you can find a good excuse.
I don't know you, William, and I don't think that I ever have. But that's okay. You don't want me to know you, and you don't want to know me, and I suppose I can live with that. I had high hopes that we could be friends, and I always wanted to be close to my big brothers... always wanted to be close to my whole family... but you smashed that into itty bitty pieces.
Because you can't cope with the fact that I once believed the things that you believe, and then I found so many holes in those beliefs that I fell through them, and I walked away. And you want those beliefs, because they give you comfort or make you feel better or something.
But you're not living in reality right now. And if you and the real world ever find each other again, then sure, look me up. But otherwise, yes, please feel free to leave me alone. Because I've been abused by enough bullies in my life, and I really don't need it from you.
Re: Goodbye
Date: 2008-08-20 08:10 am (UTC)But then, fundies tend to be empty, self-centred assholes who can't take a shit without guidance from the bible, as translated by their child fiddling pastor...
For the record the 'how to take a shit' manual is in Deut 23... if hating gay folk is still ok then the toilet instructions, and the thing about shell fish and tassels still applies...