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I got a book
Sep. 1st, 2008 06:15 pmAt the bookstore, the other day... that seems, to be kinda helpful.
I should qualify this by saying that I read a lot of psychology books and articles and soforth, and I rarely self-diagnose. I had an aunt (well, she's still my aunt, technically) who was an incredible hypochondriac. She had EVERYTHING... every disease, every psychological disorder, everything she read about. Looking back... I think that maybe she trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with her more than she was really trying to get attention, but I think that some of it was for attention, too.
Anyway, I'm not going to go too much into the "disorder" that the book talks about because I don't know if I can really say I have it or not (I'd rather go to a professional and actually be DIAGNOSED with something before I start saying "I think that I have this".) But, I CAN say, that I fit some of the symptoms. And reading some of the things that you can DO about some of those symptoms, helps a bit whether I actually have the disorder or not.
Does that make sense?
I hate thinking of myself as broken, so I'm not. In a way, I suppose I think of it like you might think of having... I don't know, poor eyesight maybe, or bad hearing, or be born with a limb that doesn't quite work properly. Certain parts of my brian just don't seem to do the right things at the right times. From what I understand, a lot of psychologists think that things like that are caused in part by genetics and part by environment. A child can be born predisposed to certain emotional conditions, but not exhibit any of the behaviors associated with them if they have a healthy childhood (for the most part) and don't experience a lot of major trauma through their formative years. Another child can be born WITHOUT a predisposition to those emotional conditions, GO through a lot of trauma during their formative years, and come out of it with a little bit of PTSD but able to overcome those experiences without the aid of psychotropics or mental health professionals.
Going through those ideas, makes me feel a little bit better, I think. Because I've always thought, "Yes, I've been through some shit, but not as much as so-and-so... why do they seem so well adjusted and I still suffer from this crap?" Well, THERE'S a possible answer. It's just a THEORY, granted, but it makes sense. After all, most of my family is either autistic, depressed, antisocial, or has an eating disorder (Hell, they think my sister's all-of-the-above. =P Poor her!) The idea of something in my brain being genetically predisposed to just flat out not handle shit well, and then pile on top of that some of the shit I've BEEN through? And then pile on top of THAT some of the shit I've put MYSELF through?
And yes, you read that right. There's shit I've put myself through.
Saying that kindof feels like a breakthrough. I mean, on the one hand, I've had a lot of stuff I've gone through that's sucked ass and hasn't been my fault. Not even a little bit. And I've had other stuff I've gone through that I've BLAMED myself compleltely for, but was only partially my fault. I've had other stuff that I was BLAMED for, that was only partially my fault. And it's difficult... I suppose it'd be difficult for anyone... not just to come to the defensive and say "I didn't do shit wrong." I CAN stand up and say "Sure, I did shit wrong, but it sure as hell didn't deserve THAT kind of response..." and with some of the stuff I've gone through lately (that you've been privvy to), I can definitely say that. Yeah, I fuck up. Yeah, I say the wrong thing. But if the person on the other end of it is predisposed to take offense, go nuts and react with a slew of anger and abuse? I'd say I screwed up a bit, but it certainly didn't deserve that much.
But I got to thinking last night, about some of the other situations that I've been through, and I started putting myself in other people's shoes. And, y'know? Some people aren't really as mean and don't necessarily hate me as much as I once thought, I don't think. I mean, yes, when you're dealing with someone who's got the kind of abandonment issues I've got, there are landmines you'd do better not to step on. Hell, just being willing to walk in and say "I don't really know what to do here, I don't have all the answers" and MEAN it ('cause, let's face it, we say shit like that all the time but we walk in and act like we've got it all figured out, and people are going to treat us like we've got it all figured out) is a big thing. ...but, at any rate, I got thinking of some of the things I've been through and putting myself in other people's shoes, and I realized... yeah, from my end, I get why I thought they were just abandoning me. But from their end? I'd have been a tough case to try and ride out. And, they had their own shit.
That's not to say they did everything right. I had some people say some hurtful things. The problem is, I also got HURT by some things that weren't meant to hurt me as much as they did. People don't always KNOW how raw your emotions are (even if they come off like they have that kind of insight.) They don't know how vulnerable you are. They don't know how made of glass your heart is and, if they do, they don't understand why you can't just grow a thicker skin.
No, they don't get it. And sometimes they don't get it because they don't bother to ask. But how many times do YOU bother to ask?
I'm not writing all of this to say that I'm going to go crawling back to the group of friends that I left. I'm writing this to say that... they're not really evil, I don't think. They've got their share of dysfunction, and some of them said some dumbass things... but they're also human, just like me.
And yeah, I can be hard to love.
Not hard to COME to love. For whatever reason, sometimes, yes, people really like me right off the bat. But I have to admit to myself, without using it as a bludgeon, that yes... it can be difficult to endure with me. I don't make it easy. And yes, everyone has their "tough to love" points, and I don't think that I'm a special case at all... but I can still be tough to love. And the hard part is, when it DOES get difficult to endure with me... I feel all that much worse. I don't make it difficult on PURPOSE... but I know, from dear friends and family members who really DO love me... sometimes, I do things and say things that make it hard. Don't we all? But you get what I'm saying. And it's a little harder because when I do them... when it IS hard... I fall apart. For whatever reason (and this is where the question of disorder comes in), I just can't handle that.
So no, no one's perfect. And I'm not down on myself for that. I'm also not using it as a ticket out of responsibility... even though TAKING responsibility is difficult and DOING something is hard (I DESPISE the idea of going to a therapist, can you tell? But I also think that it'd likely be at least a *little* bit helpful.)... and I'll never be able to call myself "fixed". It's hard not to think of people as either all good or all evil... heroes or villains (someday, I'd love to write an entire post on that), but I just now realized that everyone is grey... people aren't evil or good, they're people. And while I've said it before... I have a tendency to sort people. You're either a bastard or a saint. And it's difficult to make you grey in my head.
But you take it one step at a time, I guess.
I should qualify this by saying that I read a lot of psychology books and articles and soforth, and I rarely self-diagnose. I had an aunt (well, she's still my aunt, technically) who was an incredible hypochondriac. She had EVERYTHING... every disease, every psychological disorder, everything she read about. Looking back... I think that maybe she trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with her more than she was really trying to get attention, but I think that some of it was for attention, too.
Anyway, I'm not going to go too much into the "disorder" that the book talks about because I don't know if I can really say I have it or not (I'd rather go to a professional and actually be DIAGNOSED with something before I start saying "I think that I have this".) But, I CAN say, that I fit some of the symptoms. And reading some of the things that you can DO about some of those symptoms, helps a bit whether I actually have the disorder or not.
Does that make sense?
I hate thinking of myself as broken, so I'm not. In a way, I suppose I think of it like you might think of having... I don't know, poor eyesight maybe, or bad hearing, or be born with a limb that doesn't quite work properly. Certain parts of my brian just don't seem to do the right things at the right times. From what I understand, a lot of psychologists think that things like that are caused in part by genetics and part by environment. A child can be born predisposed to certain emotional conditions, but not exhibit any of the behaviors associated with them if they have a healthy childhood (for the most part) and don't experience a lot of major trauma through their formative years. Another child can be born WITHOUT a predisposition to those emotional conditions, GO through a lot of trauma during their formative years, and come out of it with a little bit of PTSD but able to overcome those experiences without the aid of psychotropics or mental health professionals.
Going through those ideas, makes me feel a little bit better, I think. Because I've always thought, "Yes, I've been through some shit, but not as much as so-and-so... why do they seem so well adjusted and I still suffer from this crap?" Well, THERE'S a possible answer. It's just a THEORY, granted, but it makes sense. After all, most of my family is either autistic, depressed, antisocial, or has an eating disorder (Hell, they think my sister's all-of-the-above. =P Poor her!) The idea of something in my brain being genetically predisposed to just flat out not handle shit well, and then pile on top of that some of the shit I've BEEN through? And then pile on top of THAT some of the shit I've put MYSELF through?
And yes, you read that right. There's shit I've put myself through.
Saying that kindof feels like a breakthrough. I mean, on the one hand, I've had a lot of stuff I've gone through that's sucked ass and hasn't been my fault. Not even a little bit. And I've had other stuff I've gone through that I've BLAMED myself compleltely for, but was only partially my fault. I've had other stuff that I was BLAMED for, that was only partially my fault. And it's difficult... I suppose it'd be difficult for anyone... not just to come to the defensive and say "I didn't do shit wrong." I CAN stand up and say "Sure, I did shit wrong, but it sure as hell didn't deserve THAT kind of response..." and with some of the stuff I've gone through lately (that you've been privvy to), I can definitely say that. Yeah, I fuck up. Yeah, I say the wrong thing. But if the person on the other end of it is predisposed to take offense, go nuts and react with a slew of anger and abuse? I'd say I screwed up a bit, but it certainly didn't deserve that much.
But I got to thinking last night, about some of the other situations that I've been through, and I started putting myself in other people's shoes. And, y'know? Some people aren't really as mean and don't necessarily hate me as much as I once thought, I don't think. I mean, yes, when you're dealing with someone who's got the kind of abandonment issues I've got, there are landmines you'd do better not to step on. Hell, just being willing to walk in and say "I don't really know what to do here, I don't have all the answers" and MEAN it ('cause, let's face it, we say shit like that all the time but we walk in and act like we've got it all figured out, and people are going to treat us like we've got it all figured out) is a big thing. ...but, at any rate, I got thinking of some of the things I've been through and putting myself in other people's shoes, and I realized... yeah, from my end, I get why I thought they were just abandoning me. But from their end? I'd have been a tough case to try and ride out. And, they had their own shit.
That's not to say they did everything right. I had some people say some hurtful things. The problem is, I also got HURT by some things that weren't meant to hurt me as much as they did. People don't always KNOW how raw your emotions are (even if they come off like they have that kind of insight.) They don't know how vulnerable you are. They don't know how made of glass your heart is and, if they do, they don't understand why you can't just grow a thicker skin.
No, they don't get it. And sometimes they don't get it because they don't bother to ask. But how many times do YOU bother to ask?
I'm not writing all of this to say that I'm going to go crawling back to the group of friends that I left. I'm writing this to say that... they're not really evil, I don't think. They've got their share of dysfunction, and some of them said some dumbass things... but they're also human, just like me.
And yeah, I can be hard to love.
Not hard to COME to love. For whatever reason, sometimes, yes, people really like me right off the bat. But I have to admit to myself, without using it as a bludgeon, that yes... it can be difficult to endure with me. I don't make it easy. And yes, everyone has their "tough to love" points, and I don't think that I'm a special case at all... but I can still be tough to love. And the hard part is, when it DOES get difficult to endure with me... I feel all that much worse. I don't make it difficult on PURPOSE... but I know, from dear friends and family members who really DO love me... sometimes, I do things and say things that make it hard. Don't we all? But you get what I'm saying. And it's a little harder because when I do them... when it IS hard... I fall apart. For whatever reason (and this is where the question of disorder comes in), I just can't handle that.
So no, no one's perfect. And I'm not down on myself for that. I'm also not using it as a ticket out of responsibility... even though TAKING responsibility is difficult and DOING something is hard (I DESPISE the idea of going to a therapist, can you tell? But I also think that it'd likely be at least a *little* bit helpful.)... and I'll never be able to call myself "fixed". It's hard not to think of people as either all good or all evil... heroes or villains (someday, I'd love to write an entire post on that), but I just now realized that everyone is grey... people aren't evil or good, they're people. And while I've said it before... I have a tendency to sort people. You're either a bastard or a saint. And it's difficult to make you grey in my head.
But you take it one step at a time, I guess.
Love,
Crystal
