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I Realized Something Today
May. 29th, 2008 01:17 pmabout an "ex friend" of mine... one of the crew that tore up my world last year.
I realized that I don't hate her.
It was funny, too, because a few months ago I had a personal vow to bitch-slap her if I ever saw her again... and not just because of the things that she said, but because she accused me of a bunch of things and then ran and hid from any response that I might have had. THAT was the part that got to me... the refusal to discuss it, the refusal to hear my side or what I had to say at all. And after calling me a friend? To me, THAT was betrayal. Not anything else she had to say... but the fact that she said it, and then ran away.
That's not what friends do to each other.
But that struck me, too... the fact that, at some point, I just stopped hating her for it. And I don't even "nothing" her, really. I still don't want to be around her... but that's more because I know that she doesn't want to be around me. More than that, even... she doesn't want to be around me, because she doesn't like me, for reasons that a bunch of people made up in their heads and she grabbed ahold of... and then couldn't be straight with me about. Ever. She, and the group of friends I was part of, made a habit out of talking about me behind my back and making me the butt of their jokes... because I disagreed with them about religion, because I'd made mistakes and they'd been around for them, and because I had the nerve to get annoyed at one of their friends because she was patronizing people on their message board.
*shrugs* They made their decisions. I'm not always great with words or with explaining things, but I finally got tired of having to "prove" something just to get them to like me. I got tired of explaining and re-explaining and going over, and over, and over again the same shit every time they got offended by it. And I got tired of anyone who didn't fit their mold being put down. I got tired of having to make fun of people just to fit in. I got tired of their blatant disregard for other people's hearts, after they had made some kind of pact to go out and "heal the world". I'm sorry, but you can't bandage wounds with one hand and cut off arms with the other.
And I went off about it... because no one else had the balls to.
I guess that people don't get away with as much with me anymore. It took me a lot less time to cut off my brother after he lost his mind and started sending me rapid fire emails telling me that I was a self-centered bitch and that my boyfriend was a loser. And in the end I even wondered... have I ever done that? I've lost my mind in emails, I know... but I don't think I was ever that abusive. Still... it did at least sink in that I'd lost my mind in emails. ;) Although I don't know that that behavior always deserved the response it got (or the stigma that I ended up walking around with because of it), at least I understand now that some people... really just don't know what to do with you at that point.
I think a better response to that, though, is to say, "Okay, I don't know what you're going through, but I don't know what to do with you right now."
That's a little bit better than "You're crazy." *shrugs* Maybe that's just my opinion. But hell, maybe when you don't know what to do with someone, all you CAN say is "you're crazy".
People don't always realize that they're pushing your buttons. It's when they DO realize it, and they keep doing it, that they become toxic I think.
At any rate, it's not a group I think I'd be willing to give a chance to again, but I don't hate them. And I don't have any problems with what they believe. Just like my brother... I have problems with the way that they treat me.
Well, treatED.
Anyone who doesn't get that (after I've explained it fifty times)... might want to just give up. ;)
I don't keep people in my life that open and re-open and re-open old wounds. I try to at least TELL them that that's what they're doing, so that if they really want to stay friends with me they might STOP it... but when they refuse, that becomes abuse. I can't help it... if I let people keep re-opening wounds, those wounds will never heal. Sometimes, friendships get infected. And sometimes... that means that they have to be cut off for the rest of your life to heal.
And sometimes friendships are your strength to keep going on... are the ones who help you heal yourself.
Those are the ones you're supposed to keep... and nurse into maturity.
Love & peace,
Crystal
I realized that I don't hate her.
It was funny, too, because a few months ago I had a personal vow to bitch-slap her if I ever saw her again... and not just because of the things that she said, but because she accused me of a bunch of things and then ran and hid from any response that I might have had. THAT was the part that got to me... the refusal to discuss it, the refusal to hear my side or what I had to say at all. And after calling me a friend? To me, THAT was betrayal. Not anything else she had to say... but the fact that she said it, and then ran away.
That's not what friends do to each other.
But that struck me, too... the fact that, at some point, I just stopped hating her for it. And I don't even "nothing" her, really. I still don't want to be around her... but that's more because I know that she doesn't want to be around me. More than that, even... she doesn't want to be around me, because she doesn't like me, for reasons that a bunch of people made up in their heads and she grabbed ahold of... and then couldn't be straight with me about. Ever. She, and the group of friends I was part of, made a habit out of talking about me behind my back and making me the butt of their jokes... because I disagreed with them about religion, because I'd made mistakes and they'd been around for them, and because I had the nerve to get annoyed at one of their friends because she was patronizing people on their message board.
*shrugs* They made their decisions. I'm not always great with words or with explaining things, but I finally got tired of having to "prove" something just to get them to like me. I got tired of explaining and re-explaining and going over, and over, and over again the same shit every time they got offended by it. And I got tired of anyone who didn't fit their mold being put down. I got tired of having to make fun of people just to fit in. I got tired of their blatant disregard for other people's hearts, after they had made some kind of pact to go out and "heal the world". I'm sorry, but you can't bandage wounds with one hand and cut off arms with the other.
And I went off about it... because no one else had the balls to.
I guess that people don't get away with as much with me anymore. It took me a lot less time to cut off my brother after he lost his mind and started sending me rapid fire emails telling me that I was a self-centered bitch and that my boyfriend was a loser. And in the end I even wondered... have I ever done that? I've lost my mind in emails, I know... but I don't think I was ever that abusive. Still... it did at least sink in that I'd lost my mind in emails. ;) Although I don't know that that behavior always deserved the response it got (or the stigma that I ended up walking around with because of it), at least I understand now that some people... really just don't know what to do with you at that point.
I think a better response to that, though, is to say, "Okay, I don't know what you're going through, but I don't know what to do with you right now."
That's a little bit better than "You're crazy." *shrugs* Maybe that's just my opinion. But hell, maybe when you don't know what to do with someone, all you CAN say is "you're crazy".
People don't always realize that they're pushing your buttons. It's when they DO realize it, and they keep doing it, that they become toxic I think.
At any rate, it's not a group I think I'd be willing to give a chance to again, but I don't hate them. And I don't have any problems with what they believe. Just like my brother... I have problems with the way that they treat me.
Well, treatED.
Anyone who doesn't get that (after I've explained it fifty times)... might want to just give up. ;)
I don't keep people in my life that open and re-open and re-open old wounds. I try to at least TELL them that that's what they're doing, so that if they really want to stay friends with me they might STOP it... but when they refuse, that becomes abuse. I can't help it... if I let people keep re-opening wounds, those wounds will never heal. Sometimes, friendships get infected. And sometimes... that means that they have to be cut off for the rest of your life to heal.
And sometimes friendships are your strength to keep going on... are the ones who help you heal yourself.
Those are the ones you're supposed to keep... and nurse into maturity.
Love & peace,
Crystal
