Orphan

[crysthewolf]

I feel like someone died.

In truth, no one did, but someTHING did. I had hopes of having an actual relationship with my father since he’d moved to Indianapolis from Wisconsin. Hell, I had hopes when he popped back into my life when I was eleven, after having fallen off the face of the planet for seven years, of having an actual relationship with him.

I’ve given up that hope. It was dying anyway. Every time he told me that if I wanted to spend time with him I needed to “get things together” and “make the plans”. Every time he brought up some bullshit story about how I supposedly acted when I was a teenager. Every time he got pissed off at me because I didn’t just sit down and shut the fuck up when my older brother turned into a verbally abusive asshole.

Every instance was a blow. But now, it’s dead.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents. Both of them are abusive, mal-adjusted, and neurotic. I used to think that, as an adult, maybe I could take that… and the truth is, I refuse to. There are enough painful things in life without letting your parents, as an adult, continue to sling arrows at you.

I feel like someone died. I think that in a way they did. It was the man I thought my father was. It was the hero I was hoping for. It was the person I never blamed for anything while I took out all my hurt and lonliness that he caused on everyone else who tried to come close to me.

He’s dead now.

And I guess the only thing left to do, is move on.

Love,
Crystal

Comments

[echoweaver.livejournal.com]

Someone did die. Maybe a person who lived only in your head. But in some sense, the people we love are always in our heads. Any loved one can turn out to have something black and awful that we never saw and cannot live with. So it's not a sign of delusion that you didn't know who either of your parents really were. It's just a risk of loving someone.

So you have a right to grieve. Someone you love died.