the reality is, and I guess the thing that is coming home, is that my parents are absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, COMPLETELY untrustworthy, and there is NO way I can have ANY kind of relationship with them without them lying to and about me, emotionally manipulating me, and abusing me.
And that's the reality they've chosen, and honestly, it's kinda tough.
My father did what he needed to do to push me away, for no other reason than that he didn't want to face the consequences of his own actions. He's lying to his wife, ABOUT me, and he tells himself and my mother (his mistress) that it's to "save his marriage". It's not. It's to save his ass, so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself.
So he'll punish me, when I didn't do anything to deserve it, so that he, who DOES deserve it, doesn't get punished.
And these are my parents. It's so fucked up that it boggles my mind. And yeah, it's hard to get above it and give it some thought, honestly. Maybe going up to Penguicon, away from everything, will help a bit. Or maybe it'll just be a nice retreat. I don't know if living elsewhere would help at all... I don't know that it's so much the place that reminds me as it is... relationships. There's that sense of "these people love me and I love them, but if that happened with my own parents, what should I expect from the rest of the world?"
It's not rational at all, but it's a deep inner feeling, y'know?
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Date: 2010-04-18 07:15 pm (UTC)And that's the reality they've chosen, and honestly, it's kinda tough.
My father did what he needed to do to push me away, for no other reason than that he didn't want to face the consequences of his own actions. He's lying to his wife, ABOUT me, and he tells himself and my mother (his mistress) that it's to "save his marriage". It's not. It's to save his ass, so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself.
So he'll punish me, when I didn't do anything to deserve it, so that he, who DOES deserve it, doesn't get punished.
And these are my parents. It's so fucked up that it boggles my mind. And yeah, it's hard to get above it and give it some thought, honestly. Maybe going up to Penguicon, away from everything, will help a bit. Or maybe it'll just be a nice retreat. I don't know if living elsewhere would help at all... I don't know that it's so much the place that reminds me as it is... relationships. There's that sense of "these people love me and I love them, but if that happened with my own parents, what should I expect from the rest of the world?"
It's not rational at all, but it's a deep inner feeling, y'know?
And yeah, I'm looking forward to Penguicon.:)