That's sortof how I'm feeling today. I wore a costume to work because there was a costume contest with a $25 Visa gift card as the prize, and I thought, "Damn, I could use $25." So since I am completely broke I pulled together a wacky pair of socks and my winged-kitty t-shirt, a pair of safety goggles borrowed from friendstephen and grabbed some cheap spray-in-hair-color for my hair, put some random braids in it and put it in pig-tails, and stuck a little stuffed monkey in my pocket.
I was a "Weird Scientist".
I don't think enough people really *Got* it. My my manager thought that it was great and the guy training me thought that it was really creative, but it wasn't quite enough. Despite the fact that there were only FOUR of us dressed up, I got shown up by a lady dressed up as a dalmation with a spot shaped like Mickey and a spot shaped like Goofy on her ass who lifted her leg on every plastic tree as we paraded around the breakroom and stopped at several people to lick their faces or beg for treats.
Guess "presentation" shows up "creativity". *shrug* I've never been all that good at presentation.
I kinda just want to go home and hang out with Sapphire but Chris and I were invited to a Samhain ritual and I really want to go, so I'll drag my ass out of the apartment for that. It'll be good for me I'm sure, and by then I can imagine I will more than likely be in a better mood. I've got a couple-three (well, three) tarot decks set out and my runes, and I even grabbed my "Psychic Circle" to take over. It was kindof an honor to be invited and, well, since there weren't any open rituals going on and I wasn't invited to any other circles... one has to celebrate the holiday somehow. :) I'm taking an ultra-sound picture of Wes, and Grams and Gramps's obituaries (both of which list me as their granddaughter even though I'm technically their step-granddaughter.) Those are my honored dead this year. Grams is the only one who's passed on since last Samhain, but they're my honored dead all the same. I thought of bringing something of Aunt Mary and Mamaw, but I'm still not sure entirely how I feel about my Mother's family and I don't know that I'm ready for all of that.
This year I'm letting go of, among other things, my fear of God. It's not quite GONE necessarily, but that's a habit I want to end and a process I want to begin, if that makes sense. When I was a Christian I believed that to love God was to fear God, but I never was able to reconcile those two to be quite honest. Perhaps other people can, but I can't love someone that I fear. That's like loving someone that you don't trust... it just doesn't work. And I can't believe that someone who loves me would DEMAND my fear, yet the Bible demanded it of me several times. "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom." Or, I suppose, "If you're smart you'll fear God."
So I'm leaving behind my fear that by leaving behind my old beliefs, I will not bring upon myself bad luck of any sort or eternal consequences. It's been hanging around like a shadow, just a little bit and very subtle, saying "I realize that those beliefs don't make a lick of sense, but still, what if you're wrong? And it all goes to shit because you stopped believing?"
Which is, I think, as silly as being afraid of the boogey-man or hoping the tooth-fairy will bring you money. Granted, I WAS afraid once upon a time that if I didn't believe in the tooth fairy she wouldn't bring me money. *shrug* I think that's just how my brain operates.
But I left THAT fear behind, and I'm leaving this one behind as well.
Blessed Samhain to all.
Love,
Crystal
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beldar 's! But then I usually like 
