![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A Million Things
Oct. 17th, 2008 04:02 pmSo I'm starting my "new job" on Sunday at the Amazon.com warehouse in Whitestown, IN; at least theoretically. ;) But this whole "job-hunt" thing has gotten me thinking, as job-hunts will do, about purpose, and about being part of something.
No, I've never had a job where I felt like I was "part of something". I think a lot of us take it upon ourselves to WANT that, but very few of us ever get it, really. I mean, we may be part of a company, sure, and part of a medical plan or part of an organization... but most of us don't get that feeling that we're really out there changing the world or anything.
Some of us fool ourselves into believing that we are... I was a Deputy Clerk for the Marion County Clerk's Office... and sometimes the only way to get myself out of bed in the morning was to think, "But I'm part of the justice system. I'm doing something. I'm part of something." And yes, I was... but I was never as important a part as what I wanted to be... what everyone really wants to be, I think.
But wasn't I? Sometimes I wonder.
I've complained about not feeling like I'm "part of" a lot of groups. But, let's look at my world for a moment: I've got three older half-brothers who've got a different Mother than I do, and one of them likes to remind me that we're "not really brother and sister". One of them doesn't have anything to say about it and one of them, the one I feel the closest to, isn't even always sure that he's biologically related to me at ALL. Does that matter to me? No, not a bit, and it doesn't matter to him either. But even with that, he's part of a family that I don't really feel completely a part of at all. Marginally, at best. Then, I've got my older sister who's autistic whom I never see, a younger brother who kicks ass, and we share a crazy-ass Mother who I'm now estranged from (by my own choice). So, as far as feeling like I'm "part of" my family... you can see why I'd have some trouble with that one. ;)
On top of that though, I don't think I've ever felt really "in" in any particular group. Who knows, maybe I've never been any less "in" than anyone else, but I always get the feeling that the friends I make in groups could really probably either take me or leave me. To be honest, there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, it's group dynamics, and sometimes we connect with people and sometimes we don't, and people just don't connect too easily with me. I'm like, that odd lego in the bin that you always seem to have trouble popping onto any of the other legos and making it stick, y'know? If you put it too near the base of your tower it always ends up cracking and then fucking up the rest of things. I'm kinda like that. And who knows why, really... maybe I'm just not sure how to fit. Maybe that thing that you learn as a part of your family and then as a part of social groups growing up is how to fit, and maybe the fact that I didn't really get the integral lesson as a kid and then was so needy for "fitting" growing up that I ended up being fodder for chaos in most of my social groups ('cause, hey, I'll take the blame for anything if it means you'll love me), has kinda left me without that ability.
But the thing, the funny thing, that struck me this afternoon... was that I'm really "part of" a lot of things... a lot more things than I tend to realize. And the funnier thing, maybe, is that we really all are.
I don't know if anyone else ever feels like they just need to be part of something... but we really all are, and sometimes I wonder if the MORE we're part of, the less we feel a part of. It's like, if you're only part of one thing, then it's uber important to you and you make it your life and then, in a way, it makes you it's. But I've never been good at being part of just one thing. I'm kindof a "jill of all trades" so to speak... I have a lot of things that I like to have my hand in, a lot of interests, a lot of hobbies, and a lot of loves. And although with that comes the "mastery of none", the feeling that I'm not deep in or integral in anything, it does mean that I get to participate in a ton of really wonderful, enlightening, amazing stuff.
So maybe, I guess, when I get to feeling like I'm not part of anything... that's when I'm the most a part of everything. Y'know?
Some folks get to be favorites. Some folks get to be the center of attention and at the middle of the group. And sometimes I'm jealous of them, I guess. But I think that as unimportant as I can sometimes feel, it's ok. I mean, it doesn't mean that I don't want to get more involved in some of the things I'm involved in and some of the friendships and relationships and groups that I'm a part of... because I definitely do. But I think it's time to let myself not get too terribly upset when I'm not an integral, central part of any group... because of the most likely reason that I'm not.
Because, I'm not the central part of any one thing, because I'm kinda part of a million things.
And I dig that. :)
Love,
Crystal
No, I've never had a job where I felt like I was "part of something". I think a lot of us take it upon ourselves to WANT that, but very few of us ever get it, really. I mean, we may be part of a company, sure, and part of a medical plan or part of an organization... but most of us don't get that feeling that we're really out there changing the world or anything.
Some of us fool ourselves into believing that we are... I was a Deputy Clerk for the Marion County Clerk's Office... and sometimes the only way to get myself out of bed in the morning was to think, "But I'm part of the justice system. I'm doing something. I'm part of something." And yes, I was... but I was never as important a part as what I wanted to be... what everyone really wants to be, I think.
But wasn't I? Sometimes I wonder.
I've complained about not feeling like I'm "part of" a lot of groups. But, let's look at my world for a moment: I've got three older half-brothers who've got a different Mother than I do, and one of them likes to remind me that we're "not really brother and sister". One of them doesn't have anything to say about it and one of them, the one I feel the closest to, isn't even always sure that he's biologically related to me at ALL. Does that matter to me? No, not a bit, and it doesn't matter to him either. But even with that, he's part of a family that I don't really feel completely a part of at all. Marginally, at best. Then, I've got my older sister who's autistic whom I never see, a younger brother who kicks ass, and we share a crazy-ass Mother who I'm now estranged from (by my own choice). So, as far as feeling like I'm "part of" my family... you can see why I'd have some trouble with that one. ;)
On top of that though, I don't think I've ever felt really "in" in any particular group. Who knows, maybe I've never been any less "in" than anyone else, but I always get the feeling that the friends I make in groups could really probably either take me or leave me. To be honest, there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, it's group dynamics, and sometimes we connect with people and sometimes we don't, and people just don't connect too easily with me. I'm like, that odd lego in the bin that you always seem to have trouble popping onto any of the other legos and making it stick, y'know? If you put it too near the base of your tower it always ends up cracking and then fucking up the rest of things. I'm kinda like that. And who knows why, really... maybe I'm just not sure how to fit. Maybe that thing that you learn as a part of your family and then as a part of social groups growing up is how to fit, and maybe the fact that I didn't really get the integral lesson as a kid and then was so needy for "fitting" growing up that I ended up being fodder for chaos in most of my social groups ('cause, hey, I'll take the blame for anything if it means you'll love me), has kinda left me without that ability.
But the thing, the funny thing, that struck me this afternoon... was that I'm really "part of" a lot of things... a lot more things than I tend to realize. And the funnier thing, maybe, is that we really all are.
I don't know if anyone else ever feels like they just need to be part of something... but we really all are, and sometimes I wonder if the MORE we're part of, the less we feel a part of. It's like, if you're only part of one thing, then it's uber important to you and you make it your life and then, in a way, it makes you it's. But I've never been good at being part of just one thing. I'm kindof a "jill of all trades" so to speak... I have a lot of things that I like to have my hand in, a lot of interests, a lot of hobbies, and a lot of loves. And although with that comes the "mastery of none", the feeling that I'm not deep in or integral in anything, it does mean that I get to participate in a ton of really wonderful, enlightening, amazing stuff.
So maybe, I guess, when I get to feeling like I'm not part of anything... that's when I'm the most a part of everything. Y'know?
Some folks get to be favorites. Some folks get to be the center of attention and at the middle of the group. And sometimes I'm jealous of them, I guess. But I think that as unimportant as I can sometimes feel, it's ok. I mean, it doesn't mean that I don't want to get more involved in some of the things I'm involved in and some of the friendships and relationships and groups that I'm a part of... because I definitely do. But I think it's time to let myself not get too terribly upset when I'm not an integral, central part of any group... because of the most likely reason that I'm not.
Because, I'm not the central part of any one thing, because I'm kinda part of a million things.
And I dig that. :)
Love,
Crystal
