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I Stopped Being Angry
Jul. 31st, 2008 12:18 pm It's Drama Free Thursday, right? I think this fits, but I just had it in my head. ;)
So I was thinking today about my life, and the people in it, and the shit they've pulled, and the shit I've pulled, and I realized something.
People pull shit, and they're assholes. And sometimes, I pull shit and I'm an asshole. And I can sit around and they can sit around and we can blame each other and be pissed off until the end of the day, but then when that time comes, they've pulled shit, and I've pulled shit, and no one really knows who's fault it is or who started it (most likely the answer is "nobody" and "nobody".) I can feel like it's their fault and they say it's my fault and I say I've done several things wrong and, well, sometimes they apologize and sometimes they don't. Sometimes when I apologize my apology isn't enough for them. Sometimes when they apologize I don't believe them.
But I realize that I've spent a lot of time angry at them and, I'm kinda done with it.
Not completely done, I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure someone will say something that pisses me off at some point and there are DEFINITELY times when I still hurt over having been rejected because of, when you boil it down, who I am. They might not know that. They might hope that I can change so that they don't have to be bothered by the more abrasive parts of my personality. And I might hope that they'll one day accept me for who I am.
Do I accept them for who they are? Or do I think that they're assholes because they find my personality abrasive?
I suppose that part of the problem is that I DON'T find my personality abrasive. I'm just, who I am. I don't understand why it rubs some folks the wrong way but it does. But the bottom line is, it's not going to change anytime soon, and if it does, it won't be so that people will accept me.
And they're who they are. Do I accept being treated and talked to in a way that hurts me because of who they are? Do they accept that I do things that bother them or that they don't agree with because of who I am? Do I accept that they talk down to me because they think that their failings aren't as bad as mine? Do they ever understand that I never meant to hurt them, and most of the time, didn't even know that I was doing it? And do I accept that they didn't mean to hurt me, and that sometimes even when they knew they were doing it, they weren't really sure how to STOP?
The only answer, for me, at this point, is to just, stop being angry.
I think that 99% of arguments are due to misunderstandings. And lots of people disagree with me on that. ;) But, I think I'm kinda over it. Y'know?
I don't like everybody. I don't like the way that everybody treats me. And at some point, maybe I'll get back to the place where I don't try to figure out what they think of me and get hurt by that, but I don't like the way that everybody thinks of me, either.
I do know that I can't stand being lied to. I can't stand people saying one thing to my face and another behind my back, and refusing to ever come to me with it until it's blown completely out of proportion. It makes me wonder, anytime I'm with them and they're being nice to me, if they really mean it. It's kindof obsessive compulsive, but it's how I am. and, y'know? The funny thing is, I don't think it really makes either of us wrong. Sometimes, people have trouble being honest with each other. Hell, I've done it.
I think it means that we either have to learn to compromise, or we can't be friends. *shrug*
And I know that I've done things wrong and done things scared and done things stupid. I know that I'm who I am and that the biggest problem that I have with people is that I sometimes have trouble accepting that. At the end of the day, the things that make me the most angry, tend to stare back at me in the mirror.
So, I stopped.
I stopped being angry. I don't really know when, and I don't know that it was my choice, it sorta happened slowly and I needed to be angry for a little while beforehand. Not everyone understands that, but it's the way things are.
And I don't know that I feel so much better, as, sortof, *shrug* calmer. And able, maybe, to remember the good times, and go on with life.
And, y'know, not wanna punch anybody.
Love,
Crystal
So I was thinking today about my life, and the people in it, and the shit they've pulled, and the shit I've pulled, and I realized something.
People pull shit, and they're assholes. And sometimes, I pull shit and I'm an asshole. And I can sit around and they can sit around and we can blame each other and be pissed off until the end of the day, but then when that time comes, they've pulled shit, and I've pulled shit, and no one really knows who's fault it is or who started it (most likely the answer is "nobody" and "nobody".) I can feel like it's their fault and they say it's my fault and I say I've done several things wrong and, well, sometimes they apologize and sometimes they don't. Sometimes when I apologize my apology isn't enough for them. Sometimes when they apologize I don't believe them.
But I realize that I've spent a lot of time angry at them and, I'm kinda done with it.
Not completely done, I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure someone will say something that pisses me off at some point and there are DEFINITELY times when I still hurt over having been rejected because of, when you boil it down, who I am. They might not know that. They might hope that I can change so that they don't have to be bothered by the more abrasive parts of my personality. And I might hope that they'll one day accept me for who I am.
Do I accept them for who they are? Or do I think that they're assholes because they find my personality abrasive?
I suppose that part of the problem is that I DON'T find my personality abrasive. I'm just, who I am. I don't understand why it rubs some folks the wrong way but it does. But the bottom line is, it's not going to change anytime soon, and if it does, it won't be so that people will accept me.
And they're who they are. Do I accept being treated and talked to in a way that hurts me because of who they are? Do they accept that I do things that bother them or that they don't agree with because of who I am? Do I accept that they talk down to me because they think that their failings aren't as bad as mine? Do they ever understand that I never meant to hurt them, and most of the time, didn't even know that I was doing it? And do I accept that they didn't mean to hurt me, and that sometimes even when they knew they were doing it, they weren't really sure how to STOP?
The only answer, for me, at this point, is to just, stop being angry.
I think that 99% of arguments are due to misunderstandings. And lots of people disagree with me on that. ;) But, I think I'm kinda over it. Y'know?
I don't like everybody. I don't like the way that everybody treats me. And at some point, maybe I'll get back to the place where I don't try to figure out what they think of me and get hurt by that, but I don't like the way that everybody thinks of me, either.
I do know that I can't stand being lied to. I can't stand people saying one thing to my face and another behind my back, and refusing to ever come to me with it until it's blown completely out of proportion. It makes me wonder, anytime I'm with them and they're being nice to me, if they really mean it. It's kindof obsessive compulsive, but it's how I am. and, y'know? The funny thing is, I don't think it really makes either of us wrong. Sometimes, people have trouble being honest with each other. Hell, I've done it.
I think it means that we either have to learn to compromise, or we can't be friends. *shrug*
And I know that I've done things wrong and done things scared and done things stupid. I know that I'm who I am and that the biggest problem that I have with people is that I sometimes have trouble accepting that. At the end of the day, the things that make me the most angry, tend to stare back at me in the mirror.
So, I stopped.
I stopped being angry. I don't really know when, and I don't know that it was my choice, it sorta happened slowly and I needed to be angry for a little while beforehand. Not everyone understands that, but it's the way things are.
And I don't know that I feel so much better, as, sortof, *shrug* calmer. And able, maybe, to remember the good times, and go on with life.
And, y'know, not wanna punch anybody.
Love,
Crystal
