But when it comes to that, I tend to think of Aaron... I've had at least one relationship that I know of definitely that he really, really, REALLY didn't like or trust the guy that I was with. But I never got an ultimatum from him. I can't even imagine how I would respond if he'd given me one because I can't imagine him ever actually doing that.. but then I don't know. I suppose if he really deeply thought that I wouldn't get myself out and really deeply thought that the person was hurting me or WOULD hurt me, or my friends, or whatnot... then maybe.
The problem is, the person getting the ultimatum in that circumstance isn't always mentally free to make that decision... if that makes sense. Sometimes when someone hands you an ultimatum, all you can see at that point is the ulitmatum... it's so terribly upsetting a thing that you don't MAKE a good decision. When I was with Scott and the Meyers told me that they couldn't be around me because they thought the relationship SHOULDN'T BE (and not just because "it's a sin", but because they truly believed he was horrible for me, and they weren't wrong), all I could see was that they were trying to force me to do something and weren't leaving the decision up to me.
I think in the end that's why ultimatums rarely work in that kind of situation... because it tends to take the "bad guy" label off of the person who actually IS being a bad guy and puts it on the person trying to help.
With your other example, I think that's totally valid. If you can't deal with someone's S/O you can't deal with them, there's not much that can be done about that. Hell, I've got friends who talk to and hang out with the Meyers that I have trouble talking to... but that's because they have a tendency to talk about hanging out with the Meyers as if I should have no problem with it. I don't want to be reminded that there is this group of people who so many other people seem to get along with so well, but those people decided that out of all those people, I was going to be the one they would hurt so deeply. Does that make sense?
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Date: 2009-06-09 12:00 am (UTC)But when it comes to that, I tend to think of Aaron... I've had at least one relationship that I know of definitely that he really, really, REALLY didn't like or trust the guy that I was with. But I never got an ultimatum from him. I can't even imagine how I would respond if he'd given me one because I can't imagine him ever actually doing that.. but then I don't know. I suppose if he really deeply thought that I wouldn't get myself out and really deeply thought that the person was hurting me or WOULD hurt me, or my friends, or whatnot... then maybe.
The problem is, the person getting the ultimatum in that circumstance isn't always mentally free to make that decision... if that makes sense. Sometimes when someone hands you an ultimatum, all you can see at that point is the ulitmatum... it's so terribly upsetting a thing that you don't MAKE a good decision. When I was with Scott and the Meyers told me that they couldn't be around me because they thought the relationship SHOULDN'T BE (and not just because "it's a sin", but because they truly believed he was horrible for me, and they weren't wrong), all I could see was that they were trying to force me to do something and weren't leaving the decision up to me.
I think in the end that's why ultimatums rarely work in that kind of situation... because it tends to take the "bad guy" label off of the person who actually IS being a bad guy and puts it on the person trying to help.
With your other example, I think that's totally valid. If you can't deal with someone's S/O you can't deal with them, there's not much that can be done about that. Hell, I've got friends who talk to and hang out with the Meyers that I have trouble talking to... but that's because they have a tendency to talk about hanging out with the Meyers as if I should have no problem with it. I don't want to be reminded that there is this group of people who so many other people seem to get along with so well, but those people decided that out of all those people, I was going to be the one they would hurt so deeply. Does that make sense?