Trained by the Best

So, I have this crazy aunt.

...right, everyone has one of those, don't they?  Well, I have proof.  No, she's not officially "certified" or anything.  My proof is that her only daughter has a restraining order out against her.

Maybe you wouldn't consider that proof.  Try this: her only daughter has a restraining order out against her because she a) stole from her daughter and b) tried to convince her daughter that she slept with her daughter's husband.  

The sad thing is, this isn't unusual behavior for my aunt.

Most of us have one or two crazy family members out there.  I have several.  My Mother, my Aunt... just to name two.  I've spent 26 years around the both of them, and they are two of the most manipulative people you have ever met in your life.

They're also ill.

My aunt's trick is to get you to feel sorry for her.  Some of the stories she'll tell you are true, some are blatant falsehoods, but ALL of them are designed to inspire your pity.  Why?  Because she's ill, because she had a fucked up childhood, and because she possesses an incessant need to be taken care of.  Why?  Because nobody took care of her.

But now... no one really can.

I've NEVER met anyone as ill as my Aunt Sandy, but I've met people with a similar illness... which is actually kindof helpful.  When I was a kid, I merely hated my aunt Sandy.   I suffered too many of her outbursts and too much of her abuse to feel sorry for her... and every time she'd have one, she'd say or do something else to get me to pity her again.  She'd pull me back in, convince me that she needed my help... and then, after a while, when I wouldn't take care of her ('cause, um, I was TWELVE), she'd have another outburst.

I don't remember how old I was when I learned how to evade her grasp, but one day, I did.  To be honest, I probably have my Mother to thank for it.  One day she finally told Sandy to get out and never come back, and refused to succumb to Sandy's tears and shaking.  Was it an act?  ...No, I really DO believe that Sandy was desparate... but, unfortunately, so were we.  We couldn't help her.

In the end, because of the magnitude of her illness, I don't think anyone can really help Sandy.  I doubt that she's beyond helping herself... but I am equally doubtful that, after all these years, she'd make an attempt.

Sandy's a sad story.  Thankfully, she's the most extreme case that I've ever encountered... which is good.  It means that most people have hope. ;)

I don't hate people like Sandy.  I don't even hate SANDY... because I've learned, that if I hate Sandy, I'll become her.

Kinda like my Mom.

Yeah, unfortunately, my Mom hates Sandy... and beause of that, she's kinda become Sandy-lite.  Nobody will ever be nearly as bad off as Sandy, but my Mom's learned how to manipulate just as well.

It's a similar tactic... she doesn't attempt to solicit pity (because THAT would be Sandy-like)... instead, my Mother is the master of guilt trips.

Most of your mothers are capable of guilt trips.  Most of your mothers in LAW are capable of guilt trips.  Hell, YOU'VE probably sent someone on a guilt trip or two in your lifetime.

But if there's any lesson that my mother left me with that's useful... it's that guilt trips are unpleasant.  The OTHER lesson that my mother taught me that was useful, was that if you ignore something, it will go away.

This is not true of everything, of course.  If you ignore a toothache it will EVENTUALLY go away... but it'll become something a little bit worse. ;)  If you ignore cancer... YOU'LL go away, but it sure as hell won't.

But there's a basic principle in that idea that I find very valuable.  ...Starve something, and, eventually, it dies.  If you don't respond to certain kinds of manipulation, eventually, people will stop doing them.

So, I don't.

I learned that from Mom and Aunt Sandy.  I don't feel sorry for people easily.  I don't pity people who are hungry for pity.  It's not terribly easy to play me against someone.  I don't play games at all.  I'm straight-forward, and I'll let you know if I don't like you, and I generally like most people.  I don't have any use for holding a grudge on anyone else's behalf.  If I don't like someone, it's for my OWN reasons.  

And I'm a little bit difficult to manipulate.

That DOESN'T mean that it makes me angry when I notice someone trying.  For some of us (and I've done this before too), it's second nature.  It's like a basic form of language.

But, and you'll notice this about me... I don't respond to guilt trips.  Trying to give me a guilt trip about something is usually the QUICKEST way to get me not to do whatever it is you'd like me to do.  They don't make me ANGRY at all... like I said, sometimes it's just a habit.  I can, however, be quite the cold-hearted bitch about not doing things that someone's trying to guilt me into doing..  Trying to manipulate me into doing something is generally the second best way to ensure that I won't do it.

So I don't manipulate easy.  And I don't have to pity someone or "be on their side" to like them.  And just because I DON'T pity them, doesn't mean that I don't like them.

But I'm fiercely independant, I'm a stubborn bitch about making my own decisions, and I don't manipulate easily.  I've been manipulated by too many people in too many different ways in my life to not see right through it.  Granted, that doesn't mean that it's IMPOSSIBLE to manipulate me... and no, that's not a challenge.  Please don't take it up, because when people keep TRYING, I DO get irritable.  And no, it doesn't phase me at all when other people tell me that I'm being a cold-hearted bitch for not pitying someone I think is trying to manipulate me.  *shrug*  I figure if they want to believe that I'm a cold-hearted bitch... that's their perogative.  I have other friends.

But, generally, it doesn't make me angry when someone tries.  *shrugs*  Sometimes it's just a habit.

What I DO do easily, is like people.  It's not difficult at ALL to win my affection.  I don't play games, I don't play against people, and I like just about everyone (you have to be an asshole to me for me not to like you.)   It's very, very easy to win my friendship.  It pretty much entails being nice to me, and not disliking me. ;)

It IS INCREDIBLY difficult to win my TRUST... but don't take it personally if you don't have it.  Very, VERY few people do, and only one person can boast of having it COMPLETELY (most of the time. ;) ).

So, those are the things that my crazy Aunt and my crazy Mother have left me with.  I've been trained by the best.  I don't manipulate easily, but I do love easily.  I'm tough to jerk around but I'm friendly.  =)  And I'll always do my best not to break you... and I hope for the same.  But if you break me, I'll usually forgive, as long as I don't think that you're just going to turn around and do it again.

'Cause I don't take everything, but I will take strays. ;)  I live smart, like easy, and love well.

Love,
Crystal