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So I’m supposed to party with my little brother and his fiance on Friday. Because my little brother tends to be honest with me (he knows I want him to) and because he was concerned about the “truth serum” that is alcohol to our family milking it out of him, he told Chris something that he knew but hadn’t talked to me about yet.

So I’ve written about the affair between my mother and my father. And I’ve written that someone sent a letter to my step-mother and my brothers outing the two of them. I didn’t mention (simply because I didn’t think to) that I had sent my step-sister a Facebook message telling her I’d gotten a letter in the mail about her mother that said it was sent to her as well, and I wanted to know if her mother was ok.

I never heard anything back from my step-sister, and honestly thought that perhaps she hadn’t gotten my note, until my little brother told Chris that my father (heretofore referred to as “Bill”, because he doesn’t deserve the title “father” or “dad” anymore) called my mother and told her that Denise had gotten a message from me and that because of it she and her Mom had decided that I had made the whole thing up and that the affair didn’t happen.

I was pissed. Apparently more pissed than Cory and Chris thought I would get, because they didn’t foresee me sending a text to my mother in regards to it.

At which point she immediately called me and told me that she had no idea what I was talking about, and that my little brother had made the whole thing up. She told me that she was never doing anything for him and his fiance again, because they made up this story just to get me mad at her because she wouldn’t do something for them in their time. She said that ALL she told my little brother, Cory, was that Bill mentioned that I’d written to my step-sister and she wasn’t sure why because I’d never written to her before.

So I was up until Midnight last night talking between the two of them trying to get SOME inkling of which one of them was telling me the truth. I’d never known my mother to lie to me, but I’d never known my brother to lie to me either, so I called both of them trying to figure out what I should believe. My Mother kept telling me that she didn’t know why Cory was doing this to her, that it must be just to spite her, and that she was so angry with him, and that it was terrible that he would say something like that and mess with MY head and screw ME all up just to get back at her.

Except, she was full of shit.

How do I KNOW she was full of shit?

Because she came clean to me today.

She WANTED to wait until Wednesday, when she was planning to come over to take Chris and I out to dinner. But I wrote an email to both her and Cory saying that if one of them didn’t tell me the truth by tomorrow I was going to call my step-sister myself and find out. So she begged me to let her call me, and finally instead I called HER. She told me she couldn’t stand the guilt anymore, but that she had lied to me because she was afraid I’d be mad at her and that I’d tell my father that she’d told Cory this.

She kept apologizing. She kept saying “I know but I’m SORRY!” And part of me is tempted to say “Ok, you know what? Fine. Everybody gets one.”

But this isn’t just one.

I don’t have any reason to trust her. I don’t trust her judgment (because she’s still talking to Bill and still sitting around waiting for him to come back to her, AND because she’s shown me that when it comes to Bill she is willing to sacrifice her own children), and because she lied to me in such a way as to make me doubt my little brother’s character. And if she’s willing to do that to my little brother, what’s she willing to do to me? To my fiance? To anyone I might care about in my life?

I don’t hate her. Part of me actually feels sorry for her. But the rest of me feels that she’s a toxic, dangerous person, particularly when she’s glommed onto a manipulative, lying, abusive person like this man who’s genes I unfortunately share (but, thankfully, who’s morals I do not.) They both go on and on about God and Jesus and how sad it is that I’m not a Christian.

I think it’s sad that I’m an orphan.

–Crystal

PS-yes I got the job, yes I started today, yes, aside from this shit and being sleepy, it was a good thing and it looks like it’s going to work out well. I will blog more on that tomorrow. Right now I need to dry my hair and go to bed.

Originally posted at Crystal's World Feel free to comment here or there.
crysthewolf: (Default)

I read this blog post today: http://ohtobking.livejournal.com/908.html .  It was written back in December and I haven’t had any ill dealings with my father since.  The odd thing is, I didn’t have any ill dealings with him at the TIME, either.  I’ve searched through emails, I’ve gone back over livejournal entries, and I haven’t found anything between the cordial passing of “happy holidays” emails between him and I on the 26th and the next time we spoke at some point in January with him asking if I had  his email address blocked (and, fyi, I’d never actually HAD his email address blocked.  I don’t block people’s email addresses until they harass me.  I simply removed him from my LJ friends list and removed MYSELF from my message board) and me responding that I hadn’t, and then a series of emails asking how each other were.

So you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled over this today.  And my first response was, “Well damn.”

I wrote a couple of “friends only” LJ entries on the whole thing but the long and short of it is that I had realized earlier at some point that the source of a LOOOOT of my relationship problems stem from the way my parents’ have spoken to me.  Dad has continuously brought up instances of me acting out of a teenager (that, notably, I don’t remember) and Mom has continuously told me what an ungrateful brat I am (when she wasn’t worrying about me going to Hell), and the truth is, I expect the same from everyone else.  I think I always have.  To be honest, I’m not even sure I believed it from THEM… I’ve just always expected it from other people.

Which is, I think, why I tend to beat people to the punch.  I decide for myself “they don’t want me around”, and then I get bitter about it.  I can trace instances of this and it makes me cringe.  And it’s not that the other people in those situations were exactly FAULTLESS… but I didn’t have much grace for them, either.  Because they were just doing what I’d always known they’d do.

Even if they weren’t actually doing it.

So today I begin anew, methinks.  For one thing, my father is off the hook.  Whether he wants to be a part of my life at all or not, I’m beyond expecting him to make up for the behavior that’s been exhibited in the past, including this particular blog.  Fact of the matter is, I’m beyond expecting anything different from him.  As far as my older brother is concerned (who is the glad recipient of the previous blog entry, and you can find the rest of his crazy ass here , if you’re that interested… go on, have a good time.  Tell him I sent you), he’s got his own bag of issues and I don’t have any interest in dealing with someone who’s going to toy with my emotions and fuck with my head.

The bottom line, though, is that even when I think these things myself… it’s really, really healing to hear it from other people.  I had already begun to have the conversation with myself on the question of “What kind of parent says things like that about his own kid on the internet???”  and ask myself what I’d think if I’d just stumbled across that blog and didn’t know who it was.

But here, for my sake and the sake of any of my family who may be reading who happen to SHARE Dad’s particularly low opinion of me (and my sanity), I figured I’d repeat some of the things that they said that resonated with me.  They’re general good advice and thoughts for anyone going through anything like a similar situation.

Abuse is abuse, no matter how old you are.  This is abuse.  You don’t have to stay in an abusive situation, regardless of who you may be related to.  You are not required to pursue abusive relationships.

And, Dad?

You’re wrong.

Read the rest of this entry » )

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crysthewolf

September 2010

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